THE DAY THE WALLS CAME TUMBLING DOWN

221,  Yep, that's the magic number. 221 nails had been hammered into the walls of the house which I have to say is all the more remarkable if you realise that most of those walls are filled with flint stones. I have had to try to put some screws into these walls and have hit a few of the flints with my drill. The poor drill bit ended up in an unholy twisted contorted Helta Skelter as it came up against this unforgiving rock. I assume that is why the last owner used nails, although today I had to put 4 nails in what I thought was wood only to find it was actually wall and flint at that. I bent 6 nails before I found somewhere that I could nail into so goodness only knows how many attempts were made to get 221 nails in!                       

    Anyway, were you close?   Did you nail it?

Today I made use of Stephen's youth and height as we have branches from a Wisteria spreading across the main house roof and sneaking under tiles and the solar panel which if left unchecked would cause damage to each respectively. This task involved a little 'daring' as it involved climbing out of a first floor window on to a flat roof then up onto a fairly steep roof of old terracotta curved tiles. It was an amber on the danger list so I chose first born to do the task (after all I still had a 'spare' 2nd born if it all went tits up...  or down if you see what I mean). In all honesty I am pretty peeved that I can't climb up there myself, oh I did the ungainly clamber out of the window on to the flat roof but I really wanted to be able to get onto the exciting bit. Sadly my knee joint prevents me doing this sort of stuff and it really frustrates me, so I just had to be there to catch him if he slid off (just kidding Mum!).
   Anyway, putting all thoughts of the Archers out of our heads Stephen proceeded to the roof and he did a great job on the Wisteria  pruning and removing the worst of the branches. Whilst I was up there I thought I would check the Annex roof, which is also off this flat roof. The house is old and the Survey did suggest that the Annex roof was showing signs of spreading and there had previously been a small leak or two inside. So I poked my head down the valley between the two roofs that make up the annex and was horrified to see a portion of it had simply fallen down into the gutter.

Now as it happens I had to go and see my neighbours, that live in my garden wall, as one of their roof tiles had come down and I thought they should know.  What do you mean what do I mean by live in my garden wall? Well it's simple, I have a back garden that is totally enclosed by a (surprise, surprise) flint wall and these neighbours live in a house which part of their house wall is also my back garden wall ergo my neighbours live in my garden wall. When I first met one of them I greeted her with, "Oh you're the people that live in my garden wall then". There was a bemused look on her face and an awkward silence, then as what I meant dawned on her I think she took it as a bit of an insult and the conversation was a little 'cold'. Anyhow I have made contact since and I even gave her a broken tile from her roof as a peace offering so I feel sure I have made good now with the elves that live in my garden wall. So as a result of all of this I gave her permission to let a roof tiler into my back garden so he could get on with fixing the hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering....., where it will go, where it will go...

Where was I?  Oh yer, So I discovered this collapsed wall just an hour before he was due and so when he got here I managed to bend his ear, well not literally 'cause that would hurt and anyway he was far bigger than me, so I actually didn't bend his ear but spoke into it in a clear and professional way, well obviously I didn't speak into his ear directly, like close up and everything that would seem odd, I mean I had a word about my wall collapsing. Well not really 'a' word as that wouldn't have got me very far would it, no I had a few words but by that don't read in to it as if we had 'a few words' like we had an argument because that is not what I meant at all. Oh dear, I think I should start again. I told him what was wrong, he looked at the said wall, we agreed a price, he is to arrange a date soon. There that was better wasn't it?

Alison is on holiday this week and so she is helping me to get on top of things and has been organising lots of meetings and preparing for our meeting with the accountant tomorrow when I shall try to look my best-ist and try to behave like a grown-up for a few minutes.   Here's hoping I can pull it off!





604

THE DAY I SPEAK OF FRANK BRUNO'S UNDERWEAR

There are about 100 billion stars in our galaxy and I understand that on a clear/ dark night you should be able to see about two thousand or so. Well last night the only cloud visible was the cloud of the many thousand stars making up the Milky Way in a dark black Norfolk sky. It was so vivid that I pestered both Alison and then Stephen to go out side and take a look and it was so dark that we literally couldn't see our hands in front of our faces, quite extraordinary. The sensory experience was further enhanced by the soft dry silence that engulfed us as we stood in awe at the night sky.
I have talked about these fantastic unpolluted night skies before and when we are up and running it is definitely something worth coming to see.

We moved from Sussex in June to temporary accommodation near Kings Lynn for 6 months before buying and finally moving into this house in November.  For that 6 months we only unpacked the boxes that we needed to survive and where possible all of the food. Well today I sat down for a nice cup of tea, took a big gulp and blaaahhhh. It tasted disgusting as musty as an old pair of Frank Bruno's post match Jockey shorts having been left in a damp room for the last ten years then liquidised, rolled out as a thin layer of pulp, dried shredded and put in to a tea bag. In short, not nice. So either the tea had gone bad or it was one of my daughters posh teas, lapsang shoeshine or Hurl Grey or the like (dis-like).

QUIZ

(Just for fun)

(And absolutely no prizes)

Since moving in and starting the decorating I have been perplexed at the amount of nails that there are in the walls. They are in just about every wall in every room and I have to admit to being so sad that I have counted them all although in fairness just so I could tell you lot, because, there really is an unusually high volume of nails in walls here! So forgetting the curtain tie backs, the hooks for the saucepans and for the mugs how many nails and the very few screws do you think there were banged into the internal walls?

Answer will be revealed tomorrow, or when ever I bother to blog, so chill out until then - hakuna matata.

582

THE DAY THE HANDLES WERE SPICK AND SPAN WITH BRASS KNOBS ON!

The last few days have been spent measuring, cutting and sticking tiles to the kitchen walls. I know, I know, I've been going on about the flaming kitchen since mid-December but I am committed to doing the best that I can and quality takes time. Also I have had many 'little' interruptions, Christmas, New Year, snow, bad leg, weird hand and two car breakdowns to mention just a few. Interestingly enough the issue that I thought would be the biggest factor, the 'Normal for Norfolk' factor actually has hardly raised its head. I was talking to my car rescue guy the other day and he told me that he got called to a People carrier  that was stuck in a ford in a nearby village. He duly attended and sure enough there was a car right in the middle of a ford with water lapping up to nearly three foot deep. He could see no one around and so proceeded to roll up his trousers, took off his shoes and socks and waded in with the tow line in hand. When he was within just a few feet he became aware that there was somebody sitting in the car and so he continued to wade a little further to the side window. When the person opened the window he saw that inside there were seven people, all sitting crossed legged on their respective seats as the water had completely flooded the floor. It was a whole family and when the driver had stalled the engine half way across the ford they used a mobile phone to call for the tow truck, then just sat there until it arrived, then continued to sit there and watched as this poor beggar had to wade in, get soaked as he felt around for something to hook up the tow line up to. Now there just appears to me to be a little bit of the 'Normal for Norfolk' about that, they didn't even buy him a drink for his trouble.
     Anyway the kitchen, as I was saying, a little effort can be very rewarding as Stephen has taken on the patio Daz challenge Alison took on the musty old brass cupboard door knobs and what a job she did. The picture below shows a bunch of knobs all cleaned up with the one to the right as the 'before' example. Didn't she do well and we saved ourselves a fair chunk of wonga in the process.
     I do escape from the work sometimes, mainly shopping trips as I have not had a lot of time to do too much sightseeing although we try to make the most of the weekends for that kind of thing. But even a trip to the shops is a pleasure driving through the rolling countryside of Norfolk and every now and again I see a scene that I can't help stopping to take a photograph of. My self and Stephen were returning from Norwich on the Holt road when I pulled over to take this photograph of Corpusty church which was lit by the setting sun.

This really is a nice bit of countryside.

 

548

THE DAY THAT I JUST BROKE DOWN

It snowed today, not for long but a timely reminder that winter is not done with us yet. We are seriously out in the sticks and we totally relied on our little Toyota RAV with its four wheel drive in the worst of  it. So I have made sure that it is full of petrol although this time I have organised enough heating oil and wood for the fire as I have enough work to keep me going for weeks!
You may remember that a few days back Stephen was cleaning a portion of the patio as two years of the property being uninhabited had built up a layer of moss, mud and general muck. Well he still has more to do but the following pictures will show you how well he has done....

Yesterday I broke down.    Not through pressure nor was it, strictly speaking, 'me' that broke down, no it was the Previa, which I had driven across to Kings Lynn as I had to return a product to the B&Q there. Now when Stephen and I moved our furniture, before Christmas, we hired a van from Kings Lynn and after we returned the van we had to drive home in the old Astra. We made it half way around the busiest roundabout in town and all power to the car simply died, I chucked it into neutral and we literally jumped out of the car whilst it still had some momentum and pushed it up a kerb and off the road. I had suffered a complete loss of power as the alternator belt had come off.
    Now only the second time that I have visited Kings Lynn since then and what happens? My Previa's alternator belt is torn to shreds and falls off. Clearly I am not paranoid but it does seem clear to me that they have got it in for me in Kings Lynn. The rescue van came and did not have the part or the ability to fit a new one so they had to take my car home, where we are very lucky to have a small garage just 4 houses down the street. As the car was lifted up onto the loader it reminded me of when I drove the same car up to the Grossglockner glacier 12,000ft up an Austrian mountain and I wore the brakes out a tad. Through the magic of a wife that ensures all risks are prepared for and the Green Flag company who drove up the meanest of hair pin bends to save us we were picked up and secured to the same style recovery lorry...

      and then whilst Alison rode 'shot gun' safe in the cab with the driver, myself, Stephen and Claire had to sit in the car ontop of the lorry and had what has to have been the drive of a life time. The car was bouncing around as if it were sitting on a mattress and when you looked out you could not see any tarmac just the forthcoming hairpin bends several thousand feet below......

 Claire has never forgiven me for this and still scolds me at appropriate junctures today! Video attached for your enjoyment....

So the ride home was nicely tame from Kings Lynn and the driver was telling me all about the many cars that he has had to pull out of ditches, very interesting 40 minutes it was too.

My final thought for the day comes from the fact that I have been cutting wall tiles most of today on a diamond cutting disc and had to wear a face mask. Well the final thought goes something like this.

 He who wears a face mask for several hours after lunch should ensure that he does not eat a bread roll stuffed full of genuine Polish, strong garlic sausage at said lunch. Pooooooeeeeeeee!





529

THE DAY I REALISED WHY I CAN BE A BRIGHT SPARK!

This kitchen is drawing a lot on my time at the moment. I knew it would because it was some three decades old and, as I have said before, built to withstand a nuclear detonation (but not my sledge hammer, he he). The main reason is that I am trying to save as much money as I can by carrying out as much of the work myself as is possible. I don't do plumbing, it's not my thing, so I had to get a plumber to do all of that stuff but whilst I got an electrician to deal with the cooker and extending some light wiring I have done most of the rest of the electrical work myself. Well I say myself but actually I had a hidden helper, someone that actually enabled me to do the work even though he was some 150 miles away. You see the fact is electricity is nasty stuff, it hurts, oh boy does it hurt as I can speak from personal experience. The first time that electricity and I got 'personal' was some 30 years ago and it could have been the last time too. I was working in a Fine Fare Supermarket and the warehouse was invariably one story up, over the shop as it were, which meant that all the goods that had to be stored away needed to be sent upstairs. To assist with this massive task many of the branches had a conveyor belt. One person down stairs loading and pushing the 'up' button and another person upstairs unloading (an automatic cut off arm switched the belt off when goods got to the top). As long as both people worked as a team it was a reasonably straight forward task. If however you had to do it by yourself it was seriously hard work, filling the belt, running upstairs then off loading then running back down and so it went on. It was on one of these occasions that I was caught out. I had put some stock on the belt and started to press the 'up' button when KAZZZAMMMMMMmmmmm!
     I felt the lightening bolt of Zeus. Wait I have to stop here and just share something with you. Now I am constantly using the net to check spellings, meanings of words and facts as my memory can be a little 'confused' sometimes and my spelling poor all the times. Now whilst I felt comfortable with my Zeus analogy I felt I should just check that Zeus actually did have a bit of a reputation for throwing bolts of lightening around willy nilly, so I went on the Googley thingy to check. Google re-assured me [About 10,500 results (0.18 seconds)] and just as I was about to return to my blah, blah, blog my eye was caught by the lone advertised 'link' on the far top right of the page;

Ads

1. Zeus Lightning Bolt

   Find Great Deals to Save Up To 50%
   On Zeus Lightning Bolt Here!
   
   zeus-lightning-bolt.best-price.com

 Wow! Now that HAS GOT TO BE A PRODUCT WORTH BUYING! I didn't even know you could buy those and yet here is a company offering it at a best-price, like they have a competitor somewhere else selling the same Zeus Lightning Bolt but for a lot more. Who knew? Then it dawned on me, the severity of the situation, suppose this WMD got into the wrong hands, after all it is surely easy for them to purchase being 50% off and all. Suppose it got into the hands of,   well the...... I mean, well you know, I don't like to say his name as it may be 'picked up' but I think we all now who I am talking about, the person that could be the biggest trouble maker of them all, ok I'll say just come out with it and be damned.  Suppose it gets into the hands of Just William, disaster, mayhem and utter chaos will surely ensue! So naturally I clicked on the link and............   find out for yourselves.

I felt the lightening bolt of Zeus powering and throbbing in 6" waves up my arm and smacking me in the right should like the recoil of a high velocity rifle. I found my body flying backwards as if I had been punched by Muhammad Ali and the only reason I came to an abrupt halt was because I had met the large concertina metal goods in door which I slammed into and slumped to the floor. I was the only person in the back area of the store and was totally zonked sitting there for some minutes in a daze. Later I established that the plastic button had been knocked off and I touched the full three phase power source with the tip of my finger. So I respect electricity with all of my being.
However working on the electric sockets and light switches at home I have a reasonable amount of confidence as my invisible assistant has been my Dad whom has 'assisted', which means he fixed something and I watched, many times and as I peeled off a bit of insulation, or fed a wire into a plastic casing or tested for live current I realised that this 'knowledge' comes from not any one training session or by genes, no it is a lesson in life over several decades. Then I looked back at those moments that he helped me, forever talking through what he was doing, explaining, showing, not just fixing the problem but teaching too.

So thanks Dad, very, very much.

521

THE DAY I STARTED TO EXPERIMENT WITH THE BREAKFAST MENUS

Mike and I have been planning on running our own business for at least 10 years but have always known that it wouldn't be until about now that we could get started. Over recent years we've been doing research (others might think we've just gone on holiday a lot!) and have visited B and B's in England, Scotland, Ireland, France, America and Canada working out what we liked (and didn't) about our stays. When our first guest room is ready (in a few weeks time) I'll write about that and where we've taken our inspiration from.

But this weekend I want to write about the second B of B and B. Since the middle of December we've been without a kitchen and have been getting our water supplies from the downstairs toilet (not the toilet itself, of course!). This week the kitchen has really started to come together, the oven works (although tomorrow I will attempt to pay for it, for the third time), the sink is plumbed in and so is the washing machine and fridge, although the ice machine in the fridge has been damaged in the various house moves. The cupboards and drawers are all built and the work-tops are on and yesterday I spent two hours polishing the brass knobs - even managing to bring back the shine to the ones that were soaked in ketchup a few days ago and looked like they had been ruined.The last bits and pieces will be done this week and then we'll post some photos.

Today we've been unpacking box after box of kitchen 'stuff' and deciding what will go where. But the best bit has been starting to experiment with the breakfast menus. When I choose a B and B, I choose somewhere that takes what they serve for breakfast seriously. I've kept a notebook with details of the sorts of breakfasts we've had and can still remember some great, innovative breakfasts we've eaten in the last five years. In designing our breakfast menu we'll be offering a fruit starter (eg baked cinnamon grapefruit or summer berry compote with natural yogurt), alongside fruit juices, cereals and porridge.

We'll have four choices of main course; a locally sourced 'full English', another fish or meat dish eg crab cakes, kippers, smoked salmon and scrambled eggs or our sausage platter - a choice of three different sausages with home-made Hash Browns and Onion Marmalade; an egg or cheese dish as the third choice (which will be one of the vegetarian options) eg feta cheese and tomato omelette, baked eggs with spinach and finally a sweet option, typically fruit eg Blueberry Pancakes, with Maple Syrup or home-grown summer fruits on French toast.

And toast and home-made marmalade and jams to finish.

I've been itching to try out some recipes from the books given to us at Christmas and have made a winter fruit compote, (a selection of dried fruits soaked in Earl Grey and then slowly simmered in cinnamon flavoured apple juice) which I'll be eating for the next week (as it's not the sort of thing the boys will go for). And tonight it was Boston Baked Beans, slow cooked with a Gammon joint, which were according to Stephen 'delicious' and will make great beans on (home-made) toast.

I guess our 'breakfast philosophy' is summed up by the following quote:

'All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast'.
John Gunther

 

THE DAY I SAW A NEW BIRD

The patio is red.

The language is blue,

The pressure washer's playing up

and Stephen's working hard....  who knew?

Well the patio tiles are red anyway, something that we had an inkling of but without the entire resources of Tony Robinson's Time Team it seemed that we were doomed to mere speculation. However Stephen was keen for a task and I had a Pressure washer that I had bought in a sale some six years ago which was still sealed in its box and frankly needed to see the light of day, I wonder if the warranty is still good?
     So I dug it out of the garage and started to read the instructions, foreign translations eh, always a challenge. Stephen meanwhile climbed into his germ warfare clothing. I'm not sure why he has got an ex-army germ warfare suit but he was a student for the last few years so discretion being the better part of valour we just don't ask. In fairness he didn't appear to have a traffic cone in his digs but that said I did notice that he was using a street bollard as a waste bin. So fully protected and the washer assembled the task of discovering the patio commenced. Bit by bit, layer by layer, tile by tile and with a tsunami blasted out of the washer the patio started to materialise. Sadly there was so much grime that it will take several more hours to complete, but the tiles that have been done are bright and a pleasing 'brick red'.

I visited the quack today who thought it a wheeze to stab some steroids into my wrist. I'm a bit concerned that my lower arm will bloat up just like Popeye!

Don't get me wrong whilst I find spinach wanting I am partial to a little Olive Oil.

Anyway as far as my carpal tunnel goes he says it may help, or it may not, but it will probably hurt a bit more for a few days (well it bleeding well hurt when he stabbed me with the needle). Also even if it does work it may not last long or it might last for ages but you can only have three injections in a year so at that point I might  have to have an operation, but then again I might not, it all kinda depends on where I'm at and if there is an R in the month or if the moon is a blue one or I may have to run around an oak tree 7 times in the nude or jump into the sea dressed as a woman on the first day of the year.....

As if!

So I was driving home, did I mention I was in pain which is ironic really as the reason I was given the injection was because my hand keeps going numb. You'd think that he might have injected me in the numb fingers but hay, that would be too easy.

So I was driving home when, whilst paying attention to the road ahead, I noticed a very grey bird on a twig on top of a hedge, a bird that I was sure I had never seen before so I slammed the breaks on doing an immaculate emergency stop, I Looked at the proverbial bird in the bush, then thought it might be a good idea to check my rear view mirrors. All clear (luckily). It was very grey and the size of a small blackbird and had a very distinctive black eye stripe. Now I am no Bill Oddie although I have a bit of a beard and I haven't cut my hair for three months, oh and I've put on some weight because of the operations on the legs (my excuse anyway) and I ramble on regardless if any one has any interest in what I am saying.   Arrrrgghhhhhhh....      "I AM BILL ODDIE!
    On getting home to my bird book I identified it really easily as a Great Grey Shrike, which is the first time I have ever seen one of them.   
So Twitchers get up here now!
Or... When I open up the B and B (although it is only a winter visitor so don't get too hopeful).



474

THE DAY IN WHICH I TARNISHED MY KNOBS

Good morning,
I state this only because I normally make a point of writing this diary in the evening whilst the days events are reasonably fresh in my mind. I say fresh as my memory appears to have a shelf life of about 24 hours which is not far off that of a sheep but still a little in front of a Gold Fish.    Where was I?....   Oh yes,  memory.... Diary...... evening.... fresh.       Right, I've found my thread again,  I normally write this in the evening so I can be as accurate as I can be, but last night I was so tired that I did not even have the energy to open the Laptop lid!
   On the weekend we drove down to London and back, then on Monday I drove across to St Albans and back (6 hours) getting caught up in the standard Motorway crawl. After several miles at an average speed of 15 to 20 miles an hour and with the pressure of an appointment to get to we (Stephen and I) headed for the tiny B roads. I have always been an advocate of the motorway, but that beacon is slowly dimming as they become slower and more frustrating infact the only thing fast about the motorways is how fast they seem to be slowing! There is absolutely no question that if not for Stephens crack map reading and the use of the B roads we would have missed the appointment if we had stayed with the motorway, it brought into sharp focus what I was getting away from in moving to Norfolk. Madness!
      On Tuesday it was another full-on day getting the kitchen ready for the plumber to install the kitchen sink etc. and I was feeling a little tired by now, then on Wednesday the plumber came at 8:30am and kept me company until 7pm! The task for the poor guy was fairly big, he had to move a chunk of pipework at least 30 years old even changing the original stop cock which had had its day. He then had to cut out the sink hole from the work top, plumb in my sink, Freezer (ice machine), Dishwasher and washing machine whilst organising waste pipes for the appropriate units. Throughout I had timely tasks to do around what he was doing and again it was a full-on day.
      In the evening Alison & I went out for our unofficial 30th anniversary meal, unofficial because it was the anniversary of our first 'date' so we got back fairly late and after the weeks hassle and a glass of wine I was just too dog tired to do the blog.

     So this morning I had a bit of a lay in. The numbness in my fingers seems to be far more of an issue at night and especially first thing in the morning, when, as to day, the fingers are totally numb. Still the cat popped her head in and jumped onto the bed, meowing and continually nudging my head with hers. It felt a little like a scene from Skippy....

"What's that Scribble? Little johnny's trapped in a mine!"

"Meow, meow, meow......"

("Get up you lazy sloth I want my dinner".)

"Oh and the illegal poachers are getting away in a jeep?".

"Meow, meow, meow......"

("Come on you smelly old man, get out of bed and give me food!").

At which point she starts to nuzzle my face so I give her a loving stroke,

"Meow, meow, meow......"

("Are you getting up or are you going to fester in bed all day? And stop stroking me or I'll scratch you!")

"You like that don't you." As I stroked even more, thinking she's loving this.

"Meow, meow, meow......"

("Take that you moron,   I warned you")

"Ahhh you want to play", continuing to stroke her.

"Meow, meow, meow......"

("Take that and that you pathetic excuse of a human being, I'm hungry, GET UP AND FEED ME!")
"I bet you could do with a little food".

"MEOW!"

("HELLO!")

"Ok up we get then". So I climb out of bed only to find my loving cat has savaged my hand which I was oblivious to as the fingers she went for were totally numb, but now they were 'de-frosting' and the sense of pain was ever growing.

"Meow, meow, meow......"

"Little Bitch, bog off, go hunt a chaffinch if you're hungry!"


So Thursday is to be a day of recovery in many ways with fairly easy tasks.  I need a lot of door handles for the new kitchen cupboards, but having removed loads of grubby brass knob from the old units I tried to clean them.
Hello Google, I'M BACK!  'cleaning brass knobs', About 995,000 results, so I pick the one that says use Tomato Ketchup, brings them out a treat. Now was my chance to shine (as hopefully would the brass cupboard knobs) and I put my 35 years of Grocery expertise into action. Which ketchup to use, we need something cheap, taste is not important, nor colour but it probably needs to be acidic, something that 'smarts' a little when it hits your tongue.
Mmmmm,    Ah-ha,  Morrisons 'Value' Ketchup. So I soaked two of the brass knobs in the ketchup for about 2 hours and when Alison got home I took them out to show here the results of this magical treatment.
NOT GOOD!  The Ketchup had burnt away the brass plating completely and looked like it was burning into the material beneath, between you and me I don't think Alison was impressed as all I had to show her were a couple of tarnished knobs!





443

THE DAY WE HAD AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR (AND FATHER AND SON BONDED)

A very busy day.
Tomorrow the plumber is due back to install our kitchen sink (after some 4 weeks without one) and so operation  QUITS  was kicked into action. QUITS?    Quick, Units In, Toot Sweet.    So Stephen and I started to build, move and place everything that we would need that is under the work top where the sink is to be place. As I have explained the kitchen is 7mtrs long and just 2mtrs wide so it can be classed as a Galley kitchen. We have completed the cupboards (B&Q's cheapest) on one side of the room, but the sink side was still naked with the exception of the ever so loyal Dishwasher which has stayed and kept me company through thick and thin.  Ahhhh the times that we have shared together....
   Anyhooooo, now I needed to put everything onto the sink side so that we could position the work surface so the plumber can do his thing on Wednesday. The work surface had not been delivered yet but was due during the day, so everything was a leap of faith (& trust) in B&Q's delivery system, which, as it turned out, went like clockwork and the 3.7metre slab was squeezed into my kitchen by two burly geezers.
   The first item in order along this wall was the American style fridge / freezer. We have had this for several years and, as yet, had never actually managed to get it into a kitchen (too large) having only fitted it into a utility room in our old home and the garage in the rented property. So I played fridge surgeon, opening her up gutting the contents and then amputating its doors so we could attempt to squeeze it through the kitchen doors. It sat in the Garage and I had the foresight to buy a barrow which came in very handy here. A little like the PG monkeys, "to you son", to you dad", "left hand down, no, no, right hand down, that's it, carfuuuuullllllllllll, goooood, ok heave........ "Dad,    do you know the fridge is on my foot?"  "You hum it son and I'll play it".   Bit by bit, door by door by cajolery, cunning and commitment we finally managed to get the fridge into the kitchen. The first of five items to be located there.
    Next to the fridge is my dear friend the dishwasher which just required a slight re-positioning then Stephen built the first of the two kitchen units to go this side. It was a metre long unit into which the sink will be positioned and this was his first such build. Oh he had made other units, the odd book shelf, a bed or two but this was his first B&Q kitchen unit So like a wise old sage I sat back and let him get on with it! Well he'd only get cross if I interfered wouldn't he?  I smiled to myself as each frustration with the ambiguities of the instruction led to a huffy exclamation and vindicated me when I made the same error or got frustrated at the same point when I made the units a few days before. It was not noble of me and I'm not proud and yes I actually did give a little direction here and there and occasionally I even assisted! Especially with the exploding drawers with which I did battle previously. When I took them on they definitely won the battles whilst I won the war......    eventually.
     So Stephen successfully, and with little help from me, built the two kitchen units so the only other items to join this menagerie of kitchen creatures were the clothes washing machine and the Spin Dryer which I have decided to bring into the kitchen from the annex as we hope to convert the annex into a holiday let. Now everything in place and Alison returns from work just in time for the 'topping out' ceremony, which was great as it weighs a tonne!
With a final effort we lift the slab of work surface into position and at last, with a sense of achievement the whole room seemed to come together, it still needs a lot of tiling above the worktop and in the window sills but on the whole it looked right. This was the first time that I could genuinely use the expression that we had actually got 'Everything but the kitchen sink'!
    I'm not posting any photos at this point, the next photo of the Kitchen will be when the job is completed, the BIG REVEAL, so keep checking us out.
  
         Earlier in the day I had to pop out of the house. I did not want our cat to run out of the front door whilst I loaded my car with some bits, so I shut down the room where the front door leads to. This meant that she could not get in the room at all unless Stephen opens a door for her in my absence.  About 15 minutes later I returned and parked my car nose towards the room and stopped the engine. As I looked up and at the big bay window I found myself doing a double take, for there in the window was a massive Bagpuss tabby cat sitting looking out at the world as if she had lived in the property all her life. Well I knew it was not ours, for ours is a look-a-like 'Felix cat' so in I rushed to find out why Stephen had kidnapped someone's puddy cat. When I opened the front door all the other entrances to the room where shut, I called Stephen who remonstrated that he knew nothing of said cat and that he had not left the sofa since I had been gone. Well knowing Stephens Modus operandi I could well believe that to have been the case, but that did not answer the question as to how this big cat got into our dinning room unannounced! AND this was a very, very big cat, at least twice the size of our cat, Stephen quite rightly described it to be as big as a 'Lion Cub'. She did not seem too distressed and so I deducted that she had not squeezed through the key hole nor under any of the doors. This did not get close to solving the magical manifestation of one of the biggest pussy cats I have ever come across. In total bewilderment I realised that she needed to be set free so I opened the back door and she slowly, drifted out into the garden where she spent the next 10 minutes wandering around snooping at all Scribble's (our cat) favourite haunts and taking a little time to mark her territory on one of them she shinned up our apple tree and roamed off like a vagabond in search of another adventure, bound to be another family's unexpected visitor......

You ought to know Mr. Mistoffelees!
The Original Conjuring Cat--
(There can be no doubt about that).......

...
His manner is vague and aloof,
You would think there was nobody shyer--
But his voice has been heard on the roof
When he was curled up by the fire.
And he's sometimes been heard by the fire
When he was about on the roof--
(At least we all heard that somebody purred)
Which is incontestable proof
Of his singular magical powers:
And I have known the family to call
Him in from the garden for hours,
While he was asleep in the hall.
And not long ago this phenomenal Cat
Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!
And we all said: OH!
Well I never!
Did you ever
Know a Cat so clever
As Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

T.S. Eliot

.407

THE DAY OF THE SECOND COMING.....

Lots of visitors today, the bed frame for the master bedroom arrived followed about 1 hour later by the mattress, although there is still a part of the bed to come. As I said a few days back there always seems to be something missing. Then the 'fluffy' towels from The White Company arrived followed by a call from the card payment processing machine people to let me know the costs of having one of the PIN machines. All in all it felt like we were getting ready for business.
        Even the sun came out today and it felt warm for once, obviously not quite ready for sun bathing but certainly not to be sniffed at. I remember a really warm sunny day when I managed a small supermarket on the South Coast. There were only about eight of us on the pay role and they were a varied bunch. The Butcher who was a young energetic guy full of the joys of life asked if he could go onto the flat roof to 'catch the sun' in his lunch break. Well to be frank I shouldn't of allowed it, a laxity that could have caused me problems if he had fallen off. But hey I was young and stupid (now I'm old and stupid). So I said that it was fine but no football!   My full time cashier, we shall call 'Jenny' because that was her name, went up to the canteen for her lunch. The access to the roof was via the canteen. Jenny had her skittish moments and at only 18 was fairy naive to the ways of the world but was always a very happy person, smiling and laughing, probably because of this she was endearingly guileless.
       So when she came running back down from the canteen shrieking and waving her arms  in disbelief I had to meet her and try to get some sense out of her. Well I had completely forgotten that the butcher was on the roof but the realisation of what had happened soon came to me. "He's not got anything on, He's naked, no clothes, nothing at all, I didn't know..." she rambled on "I saw the door open so I went onto the roof and he was laying there with it all hanging out and everything!, Oh my God, oh my God, honestly you can go and check for youself, nothing on at all! Oh my God totally naked, honest..." and so on and so on....
       Well having finally calmed her down I elected not to go and confront my young Butcher but had a little chat with him on his return asking that in future he kept his meat tucked away where it belonged. After all I hadn't given her permission to go onto the roof, had I ?
       Anyway back to present times, so I had taken delivery of my sexy shiny, sparkling new cooker (just give it one day with us and it won't stay that way) and I was waiting for the return of the electrician for sooth he had come once before and yea the prophets predicted he would return so that we would not be forsaken and that we may once again have a hot supper and it came to pass on this day that the great one doth return and reconnecteth the cooker and from this day forth we shall always give thanks for the second coming of ye electrician,    Hallelujah!


Now just the sink Messiah is awaited.




362

THE DAY I HAD A TANK FULL AND GOT WET (OH AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT TURNED UP)

Unable to do anything too physical today I elected to shed a little light on what we had done so far and proceeded to install the kitchen lights. The main challenge here was to locate a wooden beam hidden behind the ceiling plasterboard. My kitchen has some exposed beams, whose function appears to hold the outside wall to the inside wall, but these are too low to attach the light fittings. So, I  went into woodpecker mode. Tap, Tap, Tap.    Mmmmmmm, is there a beam there?     ......Or there?    .......Or?  And so it went on, I thought if anyone could see me they would think I was nuts and I was reminded of the Fawlty Towers episode when Basil is trying to spy on a guest and every time he got compromised he put two fingers to a wall and tapped between them with the other hand much as a Doctor would on a wheezy chest. "Just checking for Dry rot dear" or some excuse babbled from his mouth, leading up to his doing said move on a guest bedroom window, the guest just happening to be a psychiatrist. "I could write a whole thesis on him alone" he comments to his wife. You see my mind has more time to drift and wander the back streets of its shadowy thoughts now I am not hounded by, "what aisle is the silver foil in?" or "Do you have chicken thighs?", with which I could never resist the answer "No, I always walk like this!" Ca-chinggggg.
        You see even now my wayward mind is recalling all those stupid Fawlty Tower signs that had been tampered with by some humorous oik, like WATERY FOWLS or FATTY OWLS but without doubt my favourite was (and remember it was a Hotel) FARTY TOWELS.  What could I do with the Old Bakery then?    Well I doubt if I could beat my chum Google so I have found a suitable anagram site and here are some of my favourites:- How about this one that seems to sum up Bed and Breakfast A BERTH YOLKED or I may get a certain type of customer if I jiggle it to A BROTHEL DYKE or worse still the HOTEL DYKE BAR Mmmm,     maybe not..
       Or perhaps to advertise my eggy bread YOLK THE BREAD, or perhaps a little more sinister BATED HER YOLK!  You see the internet is not a waste of time, it provides hours of amusement for without it I would not know that The old Bakery is also THE DRAB YOKEL, on second thoughts that might not go down so well. it might be better if I am more honest and rearrange the letters to read DRAB HOTEL KEY.
The letters could be used to describe what should happen to me, REHAB OLD TYKE or indeed to describe Alison and Claire, LORD THEY BAKE!  I'm drawn to BATH DORKY EEL, just because I can mental envisage what that would look like (I mean watching a dorky eel zigzagging frantically around my bath, very surreal! Orrrr.  In honour of Stephens return soon,  THEY BROKE LAD.
 Where was I?     Oh yes Tap, Tap, Tap. It was no good I had to do a 'BP', by that I don't mean gush oil over most of the southern states of America, oh no, something far less adventurous, I mean I had to carry out exploration drill holes to see if I could find timber, which I did and with just a couple of misses I managed to install 4 light fittings.
     In the evening I nipped to Morrisons for a little shopping and the rain was quite heavy. I had noticed that my cobbled court yard has a pump fitted in the drain, which I assume pumps it out when it is likely to flood. Well I could see a potential of flooding tonight, not quite as severe as Brisbane (note to self ... NOT to immigrate to Australia, it's not all that it is cracked up to be) but enough to seep into my garage. However I happened to suss out that the big tank in the corner of the yard is the container that all the excess is pumped into and that it is full. I switched the pump on and the water was pumped into this tank which immediately started to overflow right back into the drain that it had just come out off!  Who knew? My front yard has an unintentional water feature. The only solution to the problem was to use a large mop bucket to manually empty the tank. I had to use a very slow tap at the bottom of the tank and as it rained I had to wait for the bucket to slowly fill, then take the bucket to the street and pour the contents into the drain there. 15 buckets later and nearly an hour I was drenched and the tank was finally emptied, so what did I do but switched the pump on and I could hear it starting to fill again. well that can be a job for another day (I feel I might be buying a length of hose pipe soon). This has to be a NFN (Normal for Norfolk)as all they had to do was make a pipe that went out onto the street from our drain when they installed it.
      AND FINALLY, as dear old Reggie Bosanquet used to say, a mystery guest made her, for it is a 'her' (gets hot and bothered daily, is temperamental and loses it's shine once it is installed!), there'll be words I feel, made 'her' appearance today. For yes, you've guessed it, I do have to eat my hat, the cooker is in the building. Hooraar! BUT my electrician got bored with the whole saga and the best I can hope for is a visit from him tomorrow.

There she is, hiding in the corner.     Mmmmm, all shiny, Mmmmmm.




346

THE DAY THE KITCHEN STARTED TO LOOK LIKE A KITCHEN (A BIT ANYWAY)

As predicted  there was something missing on the cooker delivery....... The cooker!

Yep, once again the cooker did not arrive and whilst, I am sure that you would agree, I like to write a lot on this blog but even I won't bore you with the detail. All I will say is that after 8 phone calls I live in hope that I may just, perhaps, possibly, if the wind is in the right direction, God willing, fingers crossed, with the luck of the Irish just might obtain a cooker tomorrow morning, but I won't be betting on it.

This is all just everyday trivia. I know this but first and foremost this is a diary for me and Alison to look back on in years to come and secondly a way of keeping friends and family informed of what we are up to, hopefully in a fun an interesting way. Of course it is the what we are 'up to' that many have found surprising, me giving up a reasonably secure career and moving to a place where we have no friends or relatives living and starting a business from scratch... and he is 50 you know.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Mark Twain

There.  That cut out at least two paragraphs of waffle from me and got to the point directly. We married young, brought up two children (of whom we are incredibly proud )  and at times we helped within our local communities. Very straight, very good but very 'safe'. So as the Boy and Girl left home we have started to let our hair down, just a little, and I guess going on a self drive holiday in Iceland on a whim may not be the darkest forests of the Amazon but it is a little different. Not what your average Joe would do. The Bed and Breakfast thing is no earth shattering business idea, but what many do each year. It is not the specific business that is the 'thing' I had to do.   No, it was the 'sailing away from the safe harbour'  that I craved.

A new challenge awaits and at present we start with humble foundations, in our case just over 150 ceramic floor tiles laid onto the kitchen floor, three kitchen units and a door, but hey every long journey starts with just one step - enough of the proverbs. Here is the kitchen today (the oven is meant to live on the right at the far end.

Forget the rough edges, there will be tiles and stuff, but it's a beginning and as Nina Simone put it so well....

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good....

335

THE DAY THAT THE OVEN DIDN'T COME AND I OBTAINED A NEW 'CONDITION'

First we received the automatic TEXT yesterday evening, then we received the automatic VOICE MAIL both confirming that all was sweet with the world and our new cooker would be delivered any time between 7am and 11am the next day (today). So having worked ALL weekend with Alison to get the kitchen floor fully tiled and grouted (just a handful left to do) we were well chuffed that we had finished in time to take delivery of our new cooker. Up with the Lark (well the same time as Alison at 6am) I swept and moped the floor tiles where our new cooker was to be lovingly placed. Then I got on with some odd jobs, just to keep me going you know as they will probably be here soon. Well of course they weren't, noooo, why do I keep getting sucked into this foolish belief that in England when a company says that they will deliver an item on such a date they actually mean... They won't!  I think it is a tradition, Morris men outside the Pub, Maypole dancing in May, Carol singing in December, MP's saying they will not resign then resigning the next day, for that matter MP's (Labour first time then the Libs. this time) promising that they will not introduce/increase (respectively) University fees and Companies delivering goods when they ask you to set aside the day to receive them!            So I really should not have been surprised when the call came at 9am to say that my cooker would not be delivered today because "it was not put on the lorry". Well I could see that would certainly make it more of a challenge, but not the best excuse eh? I am more used to "It got scratched and we had to send it back", or "The lorry broke down" or one of my favourites "It's in Prestatyn in Denbighshire" then just in case I'd need further clarification............. "North Wales".
                 But wait. Did I not get a Text and a Voice Mail telling me to get ready for this exciting new arrival? Yes,   yes I did. So why was the delivery confirmed , I asked? "Oh, that was an automated confirmation it just goes out automatically" came the reply.   "Well," I complained, "It isn't really confirming anything is it!?" She replied in the affirmative and said that she could see my point and then we rearranged for a re-match tomorrow and I had to do the same with the electrician whom I had made a date to wire the thing in.
                Now call me Mr Negative but what's the betting that it will turn up and then invoke that old tradition of having one tiny, but significant part, missing?  I wonder..... 

                As a result of this lapse and suffering a lot of pain in my leg and hand last night I made a resolution to call the Doctors and see if I could get an emergency appointment. This they kindly did for me and I was at the Surgery by 10am. My leg is worse now than just before my operation and the Doctor gave me some 'happy tablets' (well very strong pain killers so they make me happy). Now my hand has been becoming more of an issue over several years and last night was a bad one with several finger going completely numb. I get it in both hands but the right is the worst and even as I drove to the Doctors the fingers went completely numb. It is a real problem when I am trying to take a photo or pick my nose, I just can't feel a thing eeewwww!
               Apparently my symptoms are an exact fit for something called Carpal tunnel Syndrome and having checked it out on, yes you've guessed it, Google :-

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Carpal-tunnel-syndrome/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

I can honestly say that line for line the web site describes my symptoms to a 'T'.
So now I have a new condition to add to my varied health issues. In 2003 I wrote a poem about my health issues and so I have now to update it with the last 7 years worth. I hope I have remembered everything!

SHOP SOILED

I was born with two good eyes,
But after a car crash they did demise.
My best eye has two blind spots I now notice,
Whilst my other eye is poor of focus.


My legs have problems of their own,
Knees with torn ligaments unable to be sewn,
My rheumatic pains that frequently vary,
A current remission I’m sure is just temporary.

Further down my feet are just as poor,
With an inflamed arch that hurts some more.
A chipped bone & two ankles that ‘CLICK’
Makes me wonder why this body I did pick!


My hands played host to a persistent mole,
Who popped up from nowhere & was as black as coal,
Blood tests show my Platelet count is quite, quite low,
In theory this means my blood will flow and flow!


My Head is even worse I fear,
As my Jaw dislocates from ear to ear!
With hearing getting worse and causing more grief,

and from a car crash at least three broken teeth.

When the Eye Doctor saw my blind spots he got all excited,

he brought in his colleagues who had a look and were all delighted.

And when My GP diagnosed that I had Foot & Mouth disease,

He asked if I'd mind if the rest of the Surgery could see it please?


My whole arm aches from the shoulder to the wrist,
so I've been to the Doctor to check the risk.
He says don't worry, it's not serious so don't get in a muddle
You now own a Syndrome, you've got Carpal Tunnel!

I've knee bones so thin that whenever I kneel I really suffer,

and with my torn cartilage now I'm even walking like an old Buffer.

A wonky nose and an eczema-tic frown,
If I were a Dog you’d have put me down!

So how do you keep going? I hear you ask,

Well you have to keep smiling and get on with the task.

But the main reason I can work through this silly curse,

is because I know that there is someone, somewhere far worse!

314

THE DAY I GOT BACK INTO MY SATURDAY ROUTINE AND FOUND THAT SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE

After Scribble had her say yesterday it seems only fair that the one known so far as 'She who says sign there, there, there and there' gets a few words in.
Since Mike became self-employed (he's not retired, I am making sure of that!) there has been a major change in our relationship. We've been together for 30 years and throughout that time he has worked almost every Saturday as well as one or two Sundays each month. As a result we have had very few weekends together and when that did happen we didn't waste them on house-work or food shopping as they were too precious to be taken up with chores.
Over the years I've had time on Saturdays, firstly to myself, then they were spent with the children as they grew up and in recent years they've become the day when, apart from a visit to the supermarket and as little housework as I could get away with, I get a bit of freedom to do what I enjoy. Danny Baker and Fighting Talk in the morning, a leisurely read of the Saturday Times, ideally a visit to the local library, a quick 40 winks and an afternoon spent making patchwork quilts and listening to the football on Radio 5 live.Bliss!
But since early November all that changed and we've had time at the weekends to explore deepest Norfolk, the farmers markets and farm-shops,the small towns and villages around here and the local pubs; all in the name of research, of course.
However, today the old routine was back, at least in parts. I was able to pick up a copy of the Times for the first time in a month - there are no shops in the village. And a trip to the supermarket for food, albeit accompanied  by one who went through all the loaves on the shelf to find the one that was baked most recently!
After lunch I swopped the sewing for grouting the kitchen floor, whilst listening to the warm Geordie voice of John Murray on FA Cup 3rd round afternoon and followed the twist and turns of the would-be giant killers trying to knock out the big fish as I squeezed grout in between 67 tiles (still on half-way).
I suppose that I should be reassured that despite two house moves last year and now living over 200 miles from my life-long Sussex roots, that some things never change; when I do finally get a chance to listen to the football on the radio one of the biggest shocks of the 3rd round happens when my team, Sunderland, get knocked out (deservedly by all accounts) by Notts County, 52 places below them in the league.
I used to be able to keep some of my team's dodgier results quiet, but now that 'He, who is not retired' is around, there is instant stick on hand - still, I wouldn't have it any other way.

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR..........

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Happy New Year everyone.



274

THE DAY I FINALLY FOUND THE IRON.

We moved in 5 weeks ago, Alison, Myself and Scribble the cat along with what must have been about 100 large Pickford boxes packed full with our life. One of my Big intentions when we decided to up roots and make such a massive change was to clear out all the accumulated 'STUFF' that we had collected over the years. We had already made a start by kicking the kids off to their University towns, although, sadly, their 'STUFF' in the main didn't attach itself to them and I am now phoning around storage companies to find out how much the standard rate is for looking after other peoples 'STUFF'.
But, in truth, I guess the Kids were not the object of my intention, no what I dreamed off was a cleansing of the soul, a purge of collected memorabilia. I envisaged a new life with some level of minimalistic uncluttered living which meant that I did not need to hang on to hundreds of nick-knacks from the past, keep a few of the really important things of course but not this book or that puzzle which I never ever will read or try to solve again because uncle so and so gave it to me Christmas 1988 and I feel bad losing it. We have a lot of that sort of 'STUFF'.
   You see I am, by nature, a hoarder, I like to think that I'm not but my collection of all the old theatre and concert tickets going right back to Meat Loaf  and The Tourists in the 70's or the 200 old National Geographic magazines that I won't possibly be able to re-read are testament to this problem. If there was an AA for hoarders, which I supposed would be called HA! then I would be standing up there...
"Hello everyone, well, errr, My name's Mike and, and, errr, well I guess I have a problem..... I have a serious.... Hoarding problem......
But I've checked the Yellow Pages and not a HA in Norfolk, or the UK, or surprisingly enough not even in the United States although they do have the HAA (Hispanics Across America) which appears to be a far more noble association as its central mission is the goal of improving the quality of life in Hispanic communities. Where as my HA central mission is to simply just throw 'STUFF' away. This is not half as noble but we have made a small start by giving quite a bit to a charity shop that my Father-in-law set up within Rotary and so it begins. I reckon I got the bug when I was very young. I can remember that when I moved out of my parents house I found in my belongings a small matchbox and when I slid the little drawer out inside there were about six tiny, very grubby 'first teeth', and some even still had the dried blood on them! Disgusting I know and I was sure the tooth fairy came to our house but you see I was probably saving them as an investment, sixpence then would be worth a pound now. That is it, that's the rub you see, I hoard just in case. Just in case that Vinyl Album is worth something in the future, well they are now. The Betamax Video cassette recorder I have in the attic (£36 for similar on ebay but hurry only 1 Day 12 hours and 41 minutes before you'll miss the chance to own one too). An old bit of wood? Why that might come in handy as a batten to hold a shelf up and I'm not alone take my friends that keep the odd shed or two, just in case (you know who you are!).
  So what is my point? Well firstly I now know I don't do minimalistic and secondly when you move house with over 100 boxes FULL OF STUFF it can be hard to see the wood for the Forest! AND somewhere in this house for the last 5 weeks the iron has been hiding, very much in the same way that the Americans hid the Arc of the Covenant in Indiana Jones. We have thus managed to get by because we lasted until Christmas working through every garment, then ironed things at my parents and having lasted another week, well we are just about to run out of clothes. BUT salvation is at hand in looking for something completely different I have found not one but TWO IRONS (I didn't even know that we had two, I suppose it is a BOGOF).


Of course I didn't find the RCD Electrical cut-off trip switch so I'll probably electrify myself when I'm wet cutting the Kitchen floor tiles tomorrow, but hey, who cares because today was the day I finally found the Iron!


.

THE DAY AFTER THE DAY BEFORE

I was all set today to lay the kitchen ceramic floor tiles which would mean much kneeling on a hard floor surface and getting up then down and then up and down again and again and, well you get the picture. So the last thing that I needed today was to have my knee cartilage tear again but that is, of course, what seems to have happened.
  It happened when I was chasing the naked lady yesterday, well to be fair it actually happened when she was fully dressed and laying in the middle of the road. I twisted around too fast when a car approached, realised it was my wife driving into the front yard and as I ran to get her help KAPOOOOOW as Batman may have put it.
  So for all you potential 'good Samaritans' forget it, it's just not worth the kudos. I have been in purgatory all night, absolute agony and at the moment I don't know if it is temporary or worse, longer term and an operation. I'll give it the weekend and then if no improvement back to the Doctor.
   The result is that I am even further back with my floor tiling, I have laid about 3/4 of the full size tiles and will carry on tomorrow. Alison has volunteered to do the grouting at the weekend, we'll see how it all goes.

But I draw you back to that Yiddish saying on yesterdays blog  Man Plans, God Laughs!        Ha!

THE DAY I CHASED A NAKED WOMAN DOWN OUR VILLAGE STREET AND THE COPS WERE CALLED

Today was a funny kinda day. There is an old Yiddish saying, they're never new sayings are they,  Man plans, God laughs  well he was having several little chuckles today at our expense. The plan was to lay the ceramic floor tiles in the kitchen, we had already bought the tiles, adhesive and grout so I just needed to get on with the job in hand. First task was to lay the tiles on the floor and move them around 'till they were in the best position, then the next task was to mix the adhesive and start laying them.
It never happened.
The cat decided to go for an expedition. She didn't pack any bags or take any little Go Cat sarnies, nor did she leave an itinerary of her route and sadly she didn't take a compass or more importantly Carabiners or climbing ropes. In short she went out ill prepared. We lost sight of her as she shinned up the apple tree, climbed across the summer house catapulted up the wall of next doors work shed and vanished over the top. Now I know that only yesterday I stopped her leaving a building which she felt was doomed to end up as rubble at any time but surely that was no reason to leave home, well I suppose it might be. The more pressing issue was that if she jumped down form the work shop she was never going to be able to get back into our garden. 10 minutes later with no further sign of her I had to down tools and go on a scribble hunt, half an hour later and three gardens over on a track leading to a farm I found a very scaredy cat flinching at the sound of every vehicle that passed,  ahhhhhh...

    Ok, back to work then, well after lunch anyway and with the cat firmly locked in the house, then I got ready to mix the tile adhesive, a cursory look at the instructions on the back of the bag quickly told me that I wasn't going to be setting any tiles this afternoon as the adhesive we had bought was not suitable to stick to vinyl tiles, which naturally was what my old kitchen floor was covered in, stuck down by the NASA space Shuttle tiler team, I couldn't even peel them off. So after the manufacturer confirmed that this cement was as useless as I thought & "no, we don't make a cement that sticks to those tiles any more, you'll need to find a tile supplier as they should have some", I spent another half an hour sourcing the right adhesive.A store had some in the nearby Town, so off I drove to get some bags, oh and a sealant which would have to go onto the floor first and ideally dry over night, it's just all so involved! I got back at about 5pm and started to paint the floor with the sealant. Whilst I was doing this Alison got back from work, popped her head around the kitchen door, saw that even my 'basic' kitchen comprising of the oven with 2 hobs and a dishwasher had been removed and that the room was void of anything loosely connected with a kitchen and said she would go and get some Fish and Chips then. With that both she and Claire went to the chippy leaving me alone.
   Now friends this is where it starts to get a little interesting, at last I hear you say, for as I was just about finished I heard screaming and shouting outside. I went into the garden and I heard a woman shrieking & shouting abuse to someone. This was not normal family row stuff, she was really going for it, top volume in full Dolby surround sound. I confess I didnt run out there like a knight in shining armour, no I more hid in the night shaddows peaking over the garden wall like a Chad. I could see this middle aged woman in the middle of the road ranting away, but there was no-one else in sight. So I bravely 'monitored' the situation from behind my solid brick and flint wall.
    She didn't let up, this lady was well practised in the screaming rant art and I noticed that it was mostly directed at her mobile phone and still no one else seemed to appear, although there are many houses, they too have nice shadowy flint walls. Eventually she went around to the front of my house and I could hear much more of her conversation, she clearly had special needs and whilst I knew not from where she had escaped I was in no doubt that she had definitely escaped from somewhere! I decided to go out to her because she was wandering all over the road and was in danger of getting hurt but I phoned the police first, which as it turned out was the best decision that I made today. When I got out side the lady was half laying on the floor across the road, still screaming at the top of her voice to some poor person on her mobile phone. I tried calming her - no chance- and so having got her permission to talk to the other person on the phone I asked whom I was talking to? "This is the Ambulance service".
We had a little chat in which I found out the Lady's name and that she had got out of a care home very close by and that some care workers were on their way to us. I explained that I would stay with her until they arrived and they asked if I would stay on the phone until they did, adding that I should be careful as she can be very violent, then the phone just went dead and I was left alone with how can I put this in a PC way? I can't, left alone with a very loud violent nutter! (The Archers isn't this good). After about 5 minutes a torch light comes towards us and a young guy announces that he is from the care home, well at this the woman goes berserk or berserker and starts to wander down the main road. I said you're going to need more help here with which he agreed and made a hasty retreat and one again I was left in the dark with this woman screaming at top foghorn setting. It was about now that it occurred to me that, and I know double glazing is good but, no one was coming out of any of the houses to assist me or even find out what the commotion was. Two thoughts were that they couldn't care less or that this lady was known to them, perhaps vicious Veronica or Murdering Mandy and that on reflection they would just stay in and watch a bit more TV, it'll all sort itself out in the end. As it happens it was the fist of the two thoughts I believe.
     Now I was following this woman from a discrete distance so as not to scare her, twice she laid prostrate right across the road and I used my torch to warn a couple of cars. In the distance I saw Alison drive back with my supper and when she was out of the car I loudly whistled the 'family' whistle, which I knew that she would recognise, she totally ignored it. Later she told me that she had heard it but just thought what a strange co-incidence it was that some youths in our village used the same notes, in the same order! In the end I ran back to the house got her attention and at last someone joined me, my wife. Then an older carer joined us, but he too didn't want to get too near her and placed himself at a safe distance. It was at this point that she started to get undressed, she didn't stop undressing until the job was fully completed, a few more people joined us and then, thank god the police arrived. Her intention was to walk to a town some 15 miles away but the poor woman was clueless, walking in the wrong direction. To me she had been put in the wrong place and with a disregard for her serious issues, an ex-nurse that lived in a house near where we were brought out a blanket and another police car came and assisted the first officer so we left her in their capable hands. This could be any one of our family, friend or acquaintances and of course there but for the grace of God.......

I am just hoping that this is not another Normal for Norfolk!

THE DAY I PREDICTED AN EARTHQUAKE

Look, I know this is meant to be all about the refurbishment of the Old Bakery but today I predicted an earthquake and I had two witnesses!  Well it is a bit more complicated than that as I actually had a tip off from Scribble (our cat) who at about 8:30pm started to act really strange. Since we have moved here Scribble has never gone out when it is dark but she came into the kitchen and up to the cat flap, meowing and scratching at the door. She became more & more agitated and I really thought that she was going to smash the cat flap so I took her out to see Alison and Claire who were in an out building because I thought it might calm her down. She was still really restless and having never seen her like this I said to them that I think there is an earthquake coming because I've read this is how cats and dogs behave sometimes just before an earthquake. They were not convinced by this at all so I took her back in doors and tried to calm her down. About 30 minutes later an earthquake hit (3.6) in Yorkshire! One report says it was near Ripon, about 180 miles away, and the American scientists say in the North Sea, about 100 miles away. Sceptics will say co-incidence but I know this cat very well and I only mentioned the earthquake idea because she was acting so out of character. I have since been on Google, as you do, and found that her behaviour was totally in line with other anecdotes of such occurrences.
      Sadly we did not get to feel the earth move ourselves but I was not too disappointed as Alison & I experienced the largest known onshore earthquake to occur in the United Kingdom since instrumental measurements began when we were in Wales in 1984.

PREVIOUS QUAKES IN THE UK

February 2008 -  Market Rasen in Lincolnshire (magnitude 5.2)

April 2007 - Folkstone, Kent (magnitude 4.3)

December 2006 -Dumfries & Galloway(3.5)

September 2002 - Dudley, West Midlands (5.0)

October 2001 - Melton Mowbray(4.1)

September 2000 - Warwick (4.2)

April 1990 - Bishop's Castle, Shropshire (5.1)

July 1984 - Nefyn, north Wales (5.4)

June 1931 - in North Sea near Great Yarmouth (6.1)

I can honestly say that I was in bed with my wife and the earth moved, well strictly speaking she was semi-awake and I was on the side of the bed putting my socks on when it hit at 8am.
   5.4 on the Richter scale and there was an almighty deep, deep rumble as the B&B building (with 3' thick walls) shook and we were about 40 miles from the epicentre then. It went on for about 5 seconds.

But 26 years later and several hours after the quake in Yorkshire the cat is now completely back to her normal lazy calm self but every time she gets up I watch her, just in case she has something to tell me......

THE DAY I SANG (AND MISSED SEVERAL PHONE CALLS)

Right then, an update, I have stripped the kitchen of everything except what I consider the bare essentials (an Oven with two hobs and a dishwasher) and have spent several days chiselling tiles and such like off the walls. This left me with an empty, hollow cube which, on reflection, put me in mind with a prison cell on Alcatraz. I can talk with confidence when I say this as I have been in a prison cell in Alcatraz (as too have many thousands of people as it is all part of the Alcatraz 'experience') re-open brackets (the thousands of people didn't all squeeze in to my cell at once, no I meant thousands of people over several decades, I hope that clarifies the point as I wouldn't want you to walk away saying, with some authority to people that Alcatraz was famed for its overcrowded cells because that would be very wrong), there, a comma so you could pause for breath and a full stop too.

The two bare essentials plus a radio!

Having said all that,  I think I should further clarify that Alcatraz failed to provide neither an oven (with or without hobs) or a dishwasher, which is a shame really as both those items would have been quite nifty and indeed progressive and surely would have made Alcatraz the place to stay. I say that my kitchen resembles an Alcatraz cell but it is at least 3 times the size and has a back door and porch which again was possibly too progressive for them. On that point, my living room has a lot in common with Ford Open Prison in that it also has the capability to have two roaring fires at the same time.

So I now commenced the next phase of the operation and start to paint the ceiling and walls. Old clothes adorned, the jeans that would have been considered totally contemporary a few years back with the amount of tears in them, but now I would more likely be arrested under section six of the Public Order act for wearing them and an old T shirt with a 'funny' and totally crass message on it that could also get me arrested by the fashion police and disowned by my children should I even peak out the door to check the weather. So I was ready to decorate, paint brush in one hand and with the other I turned on the tinny little 'decorators' radio. That possibly was a dodgy thing to do, for you see not only did the kitchen look like a prison cell, but it sounded like one too.
I HAD ECHO!

Oh yes, and furthermore they were playing ALL 70's music! Well, the macho, look at me the butch hard man, decorator quickly went out of the window and the 50yr old grey & gay came out (I use 'came out' in the loosest of ways). For the next two hours I was a complete embarrassment to myself.... So come on feel the noise
Girls rock your boys,   We'll get wild, wild, wild,     wild, wild, wild,........  Slop a load of paint onto a wall whilst doing my drunk uncle at a party dance routine.....   come on feel the noise........
...........And The Jailer Man And Sailor Sam, were searching every one,............ Paint splashing around like there was no tomorrow.......       For the band on the run, Band on the run, Band on the run, Band on the.......

It would be a little dishonest to suggest that the whole affair was that smooth and I m happier to admit that my pitch was not always spot on, but I find it harder to admit that my memory of the lyrics is not what it should be so there were bouts of.......
      .............If you see me walking down the street, and I start to lie, ask why, fly, die???.......
        .......................Each time we greet, treat, fleet, something falal-la-la-la,    .... walk on by..
Walk on by,   .......Make believe that you don't see the lamp-post coming?, just let Da, da, da, da, de dummm,...
           ........Da, de, da, de dummm, de da, da,da I dum dumm and cry........
Then with extra gusto 'cause I know this bit and dispite my pitch weaknesses the accoustics are brilliant.....

WALK ON BY~Y~Y~Y~Y~Y~Y~Y~Y.

 and so it went on for well over two hours, once again transported back to the simpler times when rock was hard and glam was questionable but definitely a guilty pleasure and finally the white kitchen was now.... a white kitchen.

Just newer Fresher, whiter, white kitchen.
I have since learnt that in my rock-fest we had several missed phone calls, but did I give a toss?

The hell I did! ......   IT WAS THE 70's!