THE DAY I CHASED A NAKED WOMAN DOWN OUR VILLAGE STREET AND THE COPS WERE CALLED

Today was a funny kinda day. There is an old Yiddish saying, they're never new sayings are they,  Man plans, God laughs  well he was having several little chuckles today at our expense. The plan was to lay the ceramic floor tiles in the kitchen, we had already bought the tiles, adhesive and grout so I just needed to get on with the job in hand. First task was to lay the tiles on the floor and move them around 'till they were in the best position, then the next task was to mix the adhesive and start laying them.
It never happened.
The cat decided to go for an expedition. She didn't pack any bags or take any little Go Cat sarnies, nor did she leave an itinerary of her route and sadly she didn't take a compass or more importantly Carabiners or climbing ropes. In short she went out ill prepared. We lost sight of her as she shinned up the apple tree, climbed across the summer house catapulted up the wall of next doors work shed and vanished over the top. Now I know that only yesterday I stopped her leaving a building which she felt was doomed to end up as rubble at any time but surely that was no reason to leave home, well I suppose it might be. The more pressing issue was that if she jumped down form the work shop she was never going to be able to get back into our garden. 10 minutes later with no further sign of her I had to down tools and go on a scribble hunt, half an hour later and three gardens over on a track leading to a farm I found a very scaredy cat flinching at the sound of every vehicle that passed,  ahhhhhh...

    Ok, back to work then, well after lunch anyway and with the cat firmly locked in the house, then I got ready to mix the tile adhesive, a cursory look at the instructions on the back of the bag quickly told me that I wasn't going to be setting any tiles this afternoon as the adhesive we had bought was not suitable to stick to vinyl tiles, which naturally was what my old kitchen floor was covered in, stuck down by the NASA space Shuttle tiler team, I couldn't even peel them off. So after the manufacturer confirmed that this cement was as useless as I thought & "no, we don't make a cement that sticks to those tiles any more, you'll need to find a tile supplier as they should have some", I spent another half an hour sourcing the right adhesive.A store had some in the nearby Town, so off I drove to get some bags, oh and a sealant which would have to go onto the floor first and ideally dry over night, it's just all so involved! I got back at about 5pm and started to paint the floor with the sealant. Whilst I was doing this Alison got back from work, popped her head around the kitchen door, saw that even my 'basic' kitchen comprising of the oven with 2 hobs and a dishwasher had been removed and that the room was void of anything loosely connected with a kitchen and said she would go and get some Fish and Chips then. With that both she and Claire went to the chippy leaving me alone.
   Now friends this is where it starts to get a little interesting, at last I hear you say, for as I was just about finished I heard screaming and shouting outside. I went into the garden and I heard a woman shrieking & shouting abuse to someone. This was not normal family row stuff, she was really going for it, top volume in full Dolby surround sound. I confess I didnt run out there like a knight in shining armour, no I more hid in the night shaddows peaking over the garden wall like a Chad. I could see this middle aged woman in the middle of the road ranting away, but there was no-one else in sight. So I bravely 'monitored' the situation from behind my solid brick and flint wall.
    She didn't let up, this lady was well practised in the screaming rant art and I noticed that it was mostly directed at her mobile phone and still no one else seemed to appear, although there are many houses, they too have nice shadowy flint walls. Eventually she went around to the front of my house and I could hear much more of her conversation, she clearly had special needs and whilst I knew not from where she had escaped I was in no doubt that she had definitely escaped from somewhere! I decided to go out to her because she was wandering all over the road and was in danger of getting hurt but I phoned the police first, which as it turned out was the best decision that I made today. When I got out side the lady was half laying on the floor across the road, still screaming at the top of her voice to some poor person on her mobile phone. I tried calming her - no chance- and so having got her permission to talk to the other person on the phone I asked whom I was talking to? "This is the Ambulance service".
We had a little chat in which I found out the Lady's name and that she had got out of a care home very close by and that some care workers were on their way to us. I explained that I would stay with her until they arrived and they asked if I would stay on the phone until they did, adding that I should be careful as she can be very violent, then the phone just went dead and I was left alone with how can I put this in a PC way? I can't, left alone with a very loud violent nutter! (The Archers isn't this good). After about 5 minutes a torch light comes towards us and a young guy announces that he is from the care home, well at this the woman goes berserk or berserker and starts to wander down the main road. I said you're going to need more help here with which he agreed and made a hasty retreat and one again I was left in the dark with this woman screaming at top foghorn setting. It was about now that it occurred to me that, and I know double glazing is good but, no one was coming out of any of the houses to assist me or even find out what the commotion was. Two thoughts were that they couldn't care less or that this lady was known to them, perhaps vicious Veronica or Murdering Mandy and that on reflection they would just stay in and watch a bit more TV, it'll all sort itself out in the end. As it happens it was the fist of the two thoughts I believe.
     Now I was following this woman from a discrete distance so as not to scare her, twice she laid prostrate right across the road and I used my torch to warn a couple of cars. In the distance I saw Alison drive back with my supper and when she was out of the car I loudly whistled the 'family' whistle, which I knew that she would recognise, she totally ignored it. Later she told me that she had heard it but just thought what a strange co-incidence it was that some youths in our village used the same notes, in the same order! In the end I ran back to the house got her attention and at last someone joined me, my wife. Then an older carer joined us, but he too didn't want to get too near her and placed himself at a safe distance. It was at this point that she started to get undressed, she didn't stop undressing until the job was fully completed, a few more people joined us and then, thank god the police arrived. Her intention was to walk to a town some 15 miles away but the poor woman was clueless, walking in the wrong direction. To me she had been put in the wrong place and with a disregard for her serious issues, an ex-nurse that lived in a house near where we were brought out a blanket and another police car came and assisted the first officer so we left her in their capable hands. This could be any one of our family, friend or acquaintances and of course there but for the grace of God.......

I am just hoping that this is not another Normal for Norfolk!