It has been strange being back home, I have enjoyed spending time with my parents (and am thankfully lucky that I get on really well with them). I have been fortunate to spend a lot of time cooking and therefore am worried that my parents might starve now I am leaving, which is why I have spent the last week creating a laminated cookbook for Dad to use. I have learnt how to grout and tile a bathroom. But the thing I have learnt the most about is probably my Father.
So here is a guide on how to look after Michael Thomas:
When he is injured:
1. Attend to the wound (if applicable)
2. Make noises suggesting sympathy
3. Try to distract his attention
4. If he comes up with a crazy theory of why this happened to him (e.g. ladybird in the ear), listen to him, dispute the theory, then put the kettle on.
5. If the problem is persistant get him to call the doctor, this may take a week or two so nag him endlessly.
6. When he finally goes to the doctors make sure he does what is prescribed e.g. force him to do his exercises.
***If he needs urgent medical attention, take him to A&E, he will protest but force him to go by withholding tea***
When he is sick:
All men believe that when they are sick they are on deaths door, Michael is no exception, in fact I believe that he leads all other men by showing them how to be pathetic when ill and the ways of trying to get sympathy from others. With this in mind, the best way to shut him up (so you can get on with your work) is to pander to him, give him a cup of tea and let him watch kids TV.
Michael has always been a hard worker and therefore does not like taking time off for being ill at all. He can behave like a toddler when this happens, running away from you when you are trying to get him to rest. He only listens to Alison when she tells him to rest (and sometimes he doesn’t even do that!) so try by any means to get him to rest. (Again, withholding tea will help with this).
***If he ever won’t call the doctor when he is ill, remind him of the time he didn’t and his ear became red and puffy and he ended up staying two nights in hospital***
What to do when his jaw dislocates:
1. Give him a roll of kitchen towel
2. Take him to A&E
3. DO NOT let him waste time by taking pictures of it or film it
4. He will be in pain so drive quickly (and safely).
General Mannerisms:
If he gets confused about the time/date give him a minute to collect his thoughts, then if needed help him.
He shouts very loudly at the rugby.
He fuffs around a lot with his camera/laptop, there is no way to stop this so just grin and bear it.
When driving with Michael, he may often pull over quickly at the side of the road, pull out his camera to take a photo. The scariest time he has done this was on a mountain road in Scotland, where he had already opened the door and taken off his seatbelt before the car had come to a stop.
DO NOT let him listen to the following music in the car (his driving will suffer):
1. The star wars theme
2. The Indiana Jones theme
3. Bat out of hell
4. Dam busters
5. The great escape
6. Jurassic Park theme
7. Really, any John Williams music...
Occasionally Michael likes to watch children’s television, be warned that when he watches new versions of Postman Pat and Fireman Sam he will become grumpy.
He likes to sing songs, this would not be a problem if he could (a) remember the words, (b) remember the tune or (c) on the odd occasion when he remembers the tune, he cannot sing in tune. Do not bother correcting him, you will only waste your breath.
If he won’t do something that you need him to do, tell him that you will be with holding tea. You can make tea for yourself, but immediately empty the kettle/teapot after you have made your cup so he cannot sneak in and get some.
When shopping with Michael please beware that:
1. He gets distracted very easily
2. If you need to have him get something for you, make sure when asking that you have full eye contact with him and he repeats back what you are asking of him.
3. He needs to have a shopping list or he will forget
4. He will lose the shopping list, there are two remedies to this, one is for you to keep the shopping list or two (if he is shopping by himself) tie the list on a piece of paper around his neck (Paddington Bear style).
5. He may come home with something that wasn’t on the list e.g. magic beans
6. When putting items on the till conveyer belt he likes to organise them in a Tetris like fashion, with the barcodes facing the cashier. So if he has been particularly pesky whilst shopping when putting items on the conveyer belt make it as untidy as possible. (Extra points if you can mix room temperature food with cold food.
Bed and breakfast
***Be aware that once he takes the food out to the guests he does often leave the hobs on by accident, therefore always check they are off***
He also enjoys talking to the guests, this is not a bad thing as they enjoy it, but if you are waiting for him to return make sure you have something to do i.e. knitting, sewing or checking your emails.
He has before forgotten to get the key off the guests, remind him to get the key.
He may get in a flap about serving breakfast to the guests, when this happens, keep your head down, get on with your work and avoid eye contact.
He will spy on other B&Bs, then discuss his findings for the rest of the day.
He is very particular about his cleaning regime, if you mess this up it will be like swotting a wasp, you will only make him angrier.
Percy:
Percy is Michaels pet pheasant. Therefore he enjoys talking about and looking at Percy. This can and will cause a problem when you are in the kitchen and Percy is in the garden. You will not be allowed to make noise and will have to crawl under the window, with the lights off to avoid the pheasant seeing you. As of now I have not found a way of dealing with Michaels obsession with that pheasant. He also has a talent of calling Percy a ‘she’. Michael also will go out and feed Percy, even when he is unwell, this is not acceptable behaviour for a 52 year old man.
Eating times:
These vary depending on the day, but also if there are B&B guests staying.
· Breakfast is usually when he gets up, or if there are B&B guests, it is around 10am, when the guests have left for the day.
· Lunch is the most variable of the meals, this can occur from 12pm to 4pm depending on his work load for the day and whether there are guests. Please try not to feed him later than four as he won’t be hungry for his dinner.
· Dinner usually happens between the hours of 6:30pm and 9pm.
· Snacks happen when it is time to stop for tea.
· Tea needs to be given to him throughout the day. NEVER feed a Michael coffee.
10 Places where Michaels glasses may be:
1. The table next to where he sits on the sofa.
2. In his pocket.
3. In his camera bag.
4. By the diary in the kitchen.
5. In the car.
6. On the big Welsh dresser.
7. Down the side of the sofa.
8. In the office.
9. In one of his many coats.
10. By/near his laptop.
Get Michael to check all of these places before you offer to help. DO NOT give him this list as he will lose it.
Do not start him on these topics as he will become grumpy about them:
1. The government
2. The houses of parliament voting system
3. Grumpy people being grumpy
4. Illogical things
5. Made in Chelsea/TOWIE and other shows.
6. Energy saving light bulbs.
7. His kitchen being a mess.
8. America. (namely the healthcare system)
Things that Michael needs to remember before he leaves the house:
1. Wallet
2. Keys
3. Phone
4. Camera (he once missed a picture of an owl because he forgot his camera, and then he would not shut up about it the rest of the day).
5. Tripod (should always be in the car)
6. Shopping list if applicable (if he loses this, tie it to a piece of string round his neck)
7. Glasses
That being said, I have actually really really enjoyed my year at home.
Written by the long suffering daughter, Claire.
That being said, I have actually really really enjoyed my year at home.
Written by the long suffering daughter, Claire.
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