THE DAY THE RED TAPE REARS IT'S UGLY HEAD

My Grandmother, whom I loved dearly, once told me with regards to how I should live my life that I should "Always paddle my own canoe". Meaning that I should set the destination and make my own way there, through my own sweat and toil. Well I got into the canoe ok but the current has been strong pulling me along for many a year. So now I have started to take control of the direction that my canoe is travelling but I'm approaching a red tape slalom in fast running water as I start to meet the 'officials' with whom I have to do business.

   A few days back we met up with THE ACCOUNTANT.  Now I know that I am no rocket scientist (well not quite as bad as the guys in this Larson cartoon) but this accountancy thing is involved to say the least. I should have known that it was going to be complicated when the guys first comment after the pleasantries was "The secret is to keep things simple". From that moment on all I heard was blah, blah, blah, blah, off-set, blah, blah, itemised, blah, blah, blah, Excell, blah, blah, tax return, blah, blah, blah........  I sat there trying my damnedest to look for all the world as if I understood a word he was on about. My exterior was, I hope, one of a calm, still pond but there were pebbles of accountancy terms skimming across my pond like brain as if there was no tomorrow. We sat there for near on two hours of this bombardment of facts and requirements. In all fairness to the guy if I could tell nothing else I could tell that he knew his stuff. Alison however was on the money (as you might expect from a competent banker). She clearly 'got it', in fact she seemed to get it all, thank God and even managed to take notes too! After the vast majority of this barrage of facts started to diminish I thought of a question and signalled that this was the case. The room hushed as Alison and the Accountant waited in silence for this deep, challenging, complex, insightful question. Chairs were manoeuvred to ensure that I was given the full authority of the meeting......
  "Well, (I was doing OK so far) I was just wondering, (both pairs of eyes giving me their undivided attention) if Scribble my cat is Tax deductible as a mouser?" I don't think that the accountant thought this was likely to have been my first question and he appeared a little taken aback at first. Alison seemed to shrink back into her seat, squirming a little and appeared to distance herself from me a tad. After a few seconds of silence, which I like to think was the accountant reflecting and formulating the answer he replied something to the effect that if I already owned the cat then it would be argued that she was really a family pet. Ha, I thought. "OK, well she is lousy at catching mice now, so what if I train her to be a mouser eh?" Although I suppose on reflection that was never going to be easy, firstly what a vision it conjures up of me chasing mice (which by the way we don't have at all) and saying there you go old girl that is how you catch a mouse! Secondly getting a paw print on a training card is probably not really legally binding.  So Alison took over the questions, which was really the most appropriate way to move forward and we finally left his office in the darkness of the evening. I thought I had better regain control of my manliness and elected to make a ground breaking decision.......  "Lets go get some Fish & Chips" and so we did.

Then today I entered the Big pool, the one in which the all powerful Civil Servants roam, the dangerous deep water of the Building Regs and Planning permission offices. Now these guys have real teeth and can bite potentially hurting my business including the power to take a limb off! I started by phoning the Building regulations guy who, I will admit, was very helpful in his direction but at this stage all he could really say is get the rough plans to him with before and after drawings and then he will get back to me but firstly I needed to talk to Tracy, the duty Planning Officer. Now once again I have to say that Tracy too was very helpful in explaining the in's and out's of what I had to do, however both Officers require certain applications and information before I can really set up the house as I require. The good bit of news is that Tracy has no need for Planning Permission application to run two bedrooms as B and B accommodation and once the first bedroom and bathroom is decorated / refurbished then I can open for business.     Just gotta call the Environmental Health Officer now, oh and the Building Regs guy may need to get the Fire Dept to check me out too.

So, I have got hold of my little canoe, shoved it into the deep water and am now doing my utmost to paddle it upstream, very much against the current.......





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