I awoke with a start. There was something wrong, something wasn't quite right. I looked at the alarm clock and it was still an hour before we had planned to get up. Alison was still happily asleep, but that wasn't going to last for very much longer.
What, I struggled to surmise, is bothering me as my different senses slowly re-awakened one by one. Then I gradually became aware of an odd sensation in my infamous right ear and with it an overwhelming sense of deafness. It felt like I had something well and truly stuffed down into the lug-hole.
I gave it a bit of a tug and tried to feel inside the ear with my fat oversized finger tips but that was just futile and still I remained deaf in that ear. It was becoming clear that something was well and truly stuck in my ear and I have to say that I didn't like it one little bit. What could possibly get stuck into an ear whilst I was asleep? I thought to myself and as I lay there fiddlin' and fussin' with my ear (to no avail) and as I thought, my eye sight came to rest upon the small earpieces of the head phones that I sometimes listen to the radio with as I drop off so as not to disturb Alison. ONE OF THE BLACK PADS WAS MISSING and with a cruel twist of irony I now felt compelled to disturb Alison's sleep.
"Alison are you awake?"
"Alison are you awake?!
"Alison wake up"
"ALISON WAKE UP..... MY HEADPHONE SPEAKERS STUCK IN MY EAR!!!!"
With this loving welcome to a new dawn and how did you sleep my darling greeting Alison stirred (not fast enough in my opinion).
In her still dozy state she struggled to come to terms with my situation.... "You've got a what stuck in your where?" she sleepily tried to clarify.
"I think that the black pad from the earpiece has come off and gone deep into my ear hole, and I NEED to get it out..... NOW!" At this point Alison started to show the sort of interest that I felt my perdicament respected and she took a peek into the ear. "It's just a dark hole" she muttered, "THAT is because the pad is BLACK" I exclaimed. "We need to get it out before it goes further in." I demanded.
I had read once about a boy that had become deaf in one ear for many, many years he lived with this curse until one day as an adult a bus ticket fell out and he was cured. Well I didn't want to become that person...
Alison trying to be the voice of reason asked if I was sure that the earpiece hadn't just fallen off and was it lying around somewhere. "Where? Look..... It's nowhere, and my ear feels stuffed and totally deaf!" I had already realised what has happened by now in that the soft foam was forced into my ear as I lay on it and then somewhat like an umbrella in Tom & Jerry the thing popped open wedging itself well and truly and muffling all sounds at the same time. Oh God, I thought, not another bloody trip to the hospital!
One of us came up with the idea of tweezers and so we put on our dressing gowns and headed downstairs to use the bright directionable light. Alison fetched the tweezers and then we had to have a sort of shuffle with me Alison the sofa and the Ikea lamp in order that we could get the position just right in that she could look directly into the dark depths of my ear. So there we were in our dressing gowns looking for all the world that we were playing some weird (and perhaps a tad kinky) three dimensional game of sofa Twister. Just then one of the guests came down the stairs.....
Not really! But how funny would that have been and wouldn't that have made for an interesting Trip Advisor comment!
Alison gingerly placed the tweezers in my ear. I squealed like a child and immediately had second thoughts having read (after my last ear issue) that you should NEVER stick anything inside your ears and that you should always seek medical advice. Alison swore that she could not see anything in the ear and I reiterated my point that IT IS VERY VERY BLACK. But to prove my point I agreed to go back to the bedroom to try to find the black pad and so off we trecked back up stairs again leaving behind a quite bemused and bewildered cat who had been sitting on the other sofa quietly watching the whole scene unfold.
I don't know if it was the change in altitude as we ascended the stairs or just the standing on my head on the sofa but something caused a pop in the ear and all of a sudden the world was back in stereo again. Leading the way up the stairs I discreetly manipulated my ear and everything went muffled again, then with another rub.. back to stereo. I felt in the ear and that all too unpleasant ear wax attached itself to my finger, ahhhh, I thought, I need to manage myself out of this now.
When we got to the bedroom and probably because I now believed that the pad was not in my ear I quickly found the thing sitting on the bedside table. I could tell that Alison was not impressed with me as she had both lost her lay-in and had to partake in quite literally a bedroom farce there was, I confess, a slight 'awkwardness' and now we rarely talk of the 'Eargate' incident.
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