For sometime now we (I) have had our (my) name down for an allotment within the village. I thought I would get put on 'the list' as we moved in last year so that when one eventually became available in 2022 the house renovations would be completed, the business running like clock-work and I'd be ready to take on the challenge. But life isn't like that is it? Do you know my English teacher said I couldn't start a sentence with the word 'but', just proved that old duffer wrong right there. He also told me there ain't no such word as "ain't" and I think he'd die of apoplexy if he realised how I thrive in the misuse of double negatives! And yet my life goes on unhindered...
Oops, I shouldn't have started with "And" either, Bugger or "Oops" actually, ohhh not sure about "bugger" now!
Anyhow, as I was saying.... But life isn't like that is it? We are heavily booked throughout the summer, we are about to start designing the new second B&B room and an extra bathroom too including arranging to get quotes for the works, my large garden is in full growth needing constant care and attention and the books need cooking for the Accountant, then wham. My allotted time (tee-hee) came up and an offer of a half size allotment is made.
Well that is great you'd think wouldn't you, but not as great as you might think for there are two things you should know about this half allotment. Firstly even half an allotment is some 1,800sqft or very nearly a field full! And (there I go again) secondly the allotment that I (we) are taking over is sadly not the one pictured above, no he is my neighbouring plot. No mine (ours) is pictured below....
Yep totally filled waist high in weeds.
The sharper eyes will notice the shed at the far end of the plot but can you see the second, smaller shed in the foreground? Under the poppies there is evidence of a previous potato crop.
Here we see the thriving Raspberries....
So I ummed and ahred about taking it on, weighing in the massive £10 a year rental cost and the time and thought to myself this would be sheer madness. Then I did it. I made that one simple mistake and having taken my dear friends to have a look, I asked for their advice, "So should I take It?"
To a man (and a girl) they looked at me as If I was deranged to even contemplate NOT taking it on and enthused about the said plot of scrub land encouraging me (us) whole heartily with how we will be able to turn it around with no problem at all. Well Alison fell first. Not literally, although the pot holes are both frequent and deep. No I quickly saw the signs as she slowly but surely succumbed to their tantalizing descriptions of how this plot of crap would soon be held up as a paragon of virtue in the allotment world. Her eyes glazed over as the blooming roses started to 'tint' her vision and soon she was gone snatched from the last bastion of her reasoned mind, like a Scientologist she had been 'converted' and I was left to fight the battle of the Triffids alone just like Howard Keel.
They had all but got her organising the direct debit to Allotments monthly and so it was little wonder that finally they got to me too and in a moment of unsound mind I too agreed to take this prairie on.
It is a few days later now and our dear friends have all left and gone back to Sussex and Alison and I have started on this God-forsaken plot. As we battled through the waves of weeds and swathes of grasses we took a little time out to think of the enthusiastic gardeners only too pleased to offer their helpful advice insisting that an allotment is such a must have, "you'd be mad to not take this", "you'll have it sorted in no time, just whack a load of potatoes in"...
It was at this point, severely wounded by stinging nettles, backs aching, all the B&B chores not completed and eight in the evening but still not had supper that it occurred to us that not one of these "friends" were actually running an allotment themselves.....
we'd been well and truly suckered!
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