The issue? The drains again, but this time I smell a rat (that doesn't actually mean that I have smelt a rat from the drains, in all honesty you'd NEVER be able to distinguish the smell of a rat in our drains, I can tell you, No I mean that I sense that something is not quite right down there). Now it sounds like someone talking to their gynaecologist!
So I was raking up the leaves that had settled on the lawn when I got a slight whiff of something none to pleasant. Having done the customary checks, first the left sole then the right one... You can never hide that check from anyone can you? The wobbly check for poo on the sole of the shoe I mean. It is such a specific stance that you have to take isn't it. Using something to support you (I used the rake) you lift first one foot putting it an angle that you never have to do under any other circumstances and if you're lucky enough not to end up doing a silly little re-balancing hop you'll put that foot down and do the same with the other one. At the same time trying to subtlety sniff as near to the shoe as you can, but you can't because we don't really bend that way do we, so you try to ensure that your nose is directionally perfect from its position 2' away.
I'd be able to spot the silhouette of a person that was 'taking the test' from a hundred yards away and whilst you are doing this you know that you have lost the fight to be inconspicuous and that you should have really just stopped the next person in the street and simply asked them have I got any shit on my shoe?
Anyway, that issue eliminated and seeing no 'deposits' anywhere around, my suspicions drew me to the underworld of our drains....
I don't like drains, they are just nasty. I cautiously lifted the man hole cover nearest the house, mmmmmm not too bad. Then I went to the next manhole cover in the middle of the lawn and lifted it. Eeeewwwwwww! Not nice or as Blue Peter would say "here's one that I ........." I think you know where I'm going with that.
The good news, so I thought, was that I had got it early. It had not backed up to the previous manhole nor had it filled the 4' deep hole, but it had started to rise and was already higher than the soil pipes. There was no movement, no flow, no.... Go!
INTERLUDE
(fade out to the sound of dreamy music, fading back to the image of Mike in the Caterham Supermarket some 9 years ago (in sepia if you like)...
It was pouring with rain, I mean torrential, if you were in Madagascar in the rainy season you may just possibly get a feel for this storm. Now the funny thing about the town of Caterham is that it is at the bottom of a deepish valley and yet there is no river. Clearly there must have been one once, however with all the building and urbanisation well it has just been devoured by the general sewer system I guess, because wherever it has gone you sure as hell can no longer see it now.
So I'm standing at the checkouts and like everyone else I am looking out of the large windows at the front of the store watching the rain pounding off the pavement. As I stood there I heard a very deep rumbling sound which didn't sound normal. It was like the sound of a heavy goods train but slow and deliberate.
As it seemed to be getting louder and maybe nearer I started to think that the mud bank behind the store was collapsing and yet it became more and more evident that the sound was emminating from below the ground and still it was getting nearer - and faster.
All of a sudden and without any more clues or warnings whhoomphhh! Then right next to me from all four edges of the largest double manhole cover water shot upwards, fountain like, some 6" and started to flood all over the floor. The pressure was such that it was getting through an airtight manhole cover. The covers never failed, thank god, or I could easily have been hit by the shrapnel. But the high pressure lifted them enough to release 100's of gallons in a constant flood that lasted for just 1-2 minutes before the pressure allowed the covers to seal themselves again.
In that short time the main shop floor had been covered by easily 30% (some 6,000sqft) to a depth of about an inch. As we started the clear up we were gob-smacked at the amount of water that had appeared in such a small amount of time.
Without any acknowledgements from any dignitaries we came to the realisation that we had rediscovered the long lost Caterham Bourne of which Wkikipedia has to say, "Further up the catchment the river is culverted. Two seasonal streams, the Coulsdon Bourne and the Caterham Bourne, run in wet winters".
Yep and we took 12 members of staff an hour to mop it back out of the front doors!
As a short term measure I placed a pallet of Granulated Sugar on top of the manhole covers, just in case it tried the same trick again.
Now some 2 months later and I'm standing at the checkouts and once again there is a sudden heavy downpour, then I hear that self same ominous rumble from deep in the belly of Caterham. Next to me is standing a (Graduate) Management trainee, I told her to get a pallet of sugar here NOW because I think that the manhole cover is about to give and the store would flood!
She looked at me in complete disbelief and simply asked, "Why? will the sugar soak it all up?".
And then Whhoomphhh!
"Too late", I muttered.
INTERLUDE Fin
Back to 2011 and after much splish, splash, plopping (particularly plopping) with my drain rods I managed to obtain a flow, of a sort. But it is not completely clear and it soon became apparent that I needed to go to the neighbours garden and try from their manholes.
And that is where the next episode begins........
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