Things that you don't want to hear from the kitchen.....

I greatly admire those B&B's whose dining rooms are attached to or are a part of their kitchen. Everything you do is totally open to scrutiny and you have to be not only totally on top of your game but of exemplary behaviour.

Whilst I think in general I could pass the scrutiny bit, I am sure that I would feel an immense amount of added pressure by having an audience.

However I have to admit that exemplary would not be the first word that I would use to describe my behaviour in the kitchen. For when things don't go the way I wish then I have to confess that I lose a little of my civility and perhaps the odd curse may slip through my lips. I am not proud of this but there it is. What is a man to do?

I was pondering the 'open kitchen' layout of a B&B and how it is probably for the best that my guests don't have to hear such profanities on a Sunday morning when I was reminded of an episode of "The Hotel Inspector". The hotel in question was run by a family whom seemed to disagree about everything and they could often be heard by their guests with some really random comments wafting into the dining area.

This got me thinking about things you would not want to hear being said in the kitchen as you await your breakfast. Here is a list of 20 that would fill me with unease....

1. "AAAAAAATCHOOOOOOOOOOO!"

2. "It's OK, it landed the right way up."

3. THUD.  "Ha, GOT IT!"  "Bugger.... where did it go?"

4. "Tiddles! Get off that worktop NOW."

5. "What do you think it is?"
   "I'm not really sure but I think I can get it out."

6. "Do me a favour and have a smell of this."

7. "Scrape it off over the sink..... It'll be fine."

8. "Is that a current or a fly?"

9. "Did you wash out the bleach from their teapot before you made their tea luv?"

10. "Wow! Earwax is almost exactly the same colour as egg yolk."

11. "Darling is this the olive oil or the sample you've gotta take down the doctors?"

12. "Are those floating bits meant to be there?"

13. "I can see the words 'Use By' but the rest is just a complete mystery I'm afraid..."

14. "Quick the blood is dripping over everything".

15. "What's the 3 second rule?"

16. "Well I'm not going to tell them.... you're in charge, you do it!"

17. "Is this last weeks bacon or this weeks?"

18. "I told you... I don't know how long the fridge was switched off."

19. "Stop the cat and get that sausage back!"

20. "Remind me again did you say that it's all right to serve it if it smells funny but looks OK or if it smells OK but just looks funny... I can never remember."


Happy dining.