How do you help them in with their bags if you can't go out side in either The Posh or The Everyday Indoor shoes?

Women and their shoes huh! I mean, a pair for 'evening wear' one to go with the red dress and another pair to match the little black number and then the 'comfortable' shoes for everyday living.
Madness.

They really don't seem to apply a solid rationale to their collections but never fear Mike is here.

I have one or two pairs of shoes myself but behind the 'collection' is a man's rationale which of course is far more pragmatic... In my opinion.

Now my daughter appears to think that I am somewhat deranged and so today I am using the blog to give her a full and comprehensive list of all my shoes and their functions.

I admit that I have accumulated a few shoes but that doesn't make me Imelda Marcos does it?

So Claire, here is the full inventory thus negating any further clarification......


THE SLIPPER

 It is probably an urban myth (or more a suburban myth) but I read some where that slippers are one of the most dangerous things in the house. More accidents occurring than with kitchen knives! This is because A&E's are full of people that have slipped or tripped in their slippers.
It is ironic then that the only reason that I even bought them was because I had to go into hospital for an operation. So I didn't mind as I was in the best place if I did fall over.
So I only wear my slippers when I am staying over with friends or relatives. Claire tells me that this seems a bit presumptuous, as if you are thinking of moving in. So I won't be wearing them when I stay at her place! No I'll wear a pair of socks that I had been wearing for the week prior on the allotment, the ones where my big fat toe pokes out to say hello. Then she'll just hope that I'm not thinking of moving in.
In the shop I had a choice between the dark blue velveteen Noel Coward look or a massive pair of Lion King Claws. The latter would surely be the more dangerous but I was momentarily tempted as I envisaged the fun I could have by placing them just peaking out from behind an ajar door and calling the cat over.

THE POSH INDOOR SHOES

These are a 'step up', if you'll excuse the pun, to the slippers. Laced, they are a lot safer and unlike slippers they are not in a constant state of trying to take themselves off.
I may wear them in place of slippers whilst staying 'over' because, Claire, I don't think they cry out with such presumptuousness. (Thank heaven for spell check!).
Now the rule for indoor shoes is pretty simple, I NEVER go out doors in them, or into the attic.
IF I have found that by circumstance some caller has had cause to make me go out side in them then on my return and in privacy there would be much cursing and mumblings of annoyance. Best to leave me alone for 10 minutes or so.

These are normally worn when I have B&B guests and to ensure that they don't think I'm cheap I have a spare set which I will wear in turn.











THE EVERYDAY INDOOR SHOES

Now I'm not crazy and clearly I couldn't keep my Posh Indoor shoes in such pristine condition if I continue wearing them all the time even when there are no guests. That would be plain madness. Hence The Everyday Indoor shoes.
The indoors only rules apply although they are allowed in the attic, well I'm not some kind of OCD freak don't you know.
You will probably work out that the shoes functions are dictated by their natural aging process. For example The Everyday indoor shoes were once The Posh Indoor shoes before the ravages of age took it's toll on them.
Seems harsh? No worse than being a female newsreader in the BBC.





Now, I hear you ask, what about when guests arrive and leave, how do you help them in with their bags if you can't go out side in either The Posh or The Everyday Indoor shoes?

A very astute observation, well done.

Well obviously I have thought that scenario through and for those days I will wear.......


THE INTERMEDIATE (DRY DAY) INDOOR SHOES

These boys have matured from their early impish days of being Posh Indoor shoes, on through their teens as Everyday Indoor shoes and are now proudly disheveled enough to make it to the level of Intermediate (Dry Day) Indoor shoes.
They should not think of it as failure but simply a natural progression onto things more....
outdoory.

As long as the Intermediate shoe does not tread on anything icky like Percy the gay pheasant's poo then they are welcome throughout home and garden and even the car and shops on a dry day.



THE INTERMEDIATE (WET DAY) INDOOR SHOES

As above but allowed out on light to medium damp days too. What is a light or medium damp day?
Well a light damp day is sitting water after rain.
A Medium damp day is during light rain.
A heavy damp day is pouring rain.
Any thing heavier is categorised as a squelcher and only serious outdoor shoes should be worn.

So what is the definition of light rain?  Well you are all just being silly now!

You might wonder if these shoes are invisible or if I simply missed when taking the photo. Well sadly the current Intermediate (Wet Day) Indoor Shoes have departed this mortal world. The right shoe suffered major stress trauma culminating in it splitting in two and despite consulting with the top experts in their field there was nothing any of us could do for them.
They have gone to the Great Clarke's Store in the sky.

Rest in peace boys



THE GYM SHOES

The Gym shoes were bought for one reason only and yes to those that know me and maybe surprised, yes I am now going to a gym!
Well I have become a bit of a fat sloth and as Alison had started to go I figured that I couldn't have her beat me in an arm wrestle so I followed suit a few weeks later.
What to wear? Every girls nightmare! Not being a jogger or suchlike I had nothing suitable so I went out and bought some cheap tracksuit bottoms and a discoloured fawn shirt which I, rightly, thought would hide the sweat a bit. I then purchased a pair of shoes whose only function was to contain any athletes foot fungi that I may manufacture.

So there you go I'm dressed like Rocky with the physique of Eric Pickles, nothing too ridiculous there then.





THE SUMMER GARDENING SHOES

Laces stripped of their cloth outer covering and holes where my bunions have fought to escape these guys are close to retirement.
Still they make excellent gardening shoes as long as it isn't raining because the rain will seep into the cracked sole. Also I have to be careful not to stand on a sharp stone as the self same sole is as thin as cheap underlay.

Obviously these were formerly intermediate (wet day) indoor shoes, before succumbing to the less cherished position of Summer Gardening shoes.
Long gone are those halcyon days when they were young and spirited Posh Indoor shoes, just distant fond memories now, ahhh the golden days. Full of all the promises in life, what we could have done, what could we have been...


I'll chuck em in the trash soon.






THE SUMMER OUTDOOR TRAINERS

Light weight, man about town shoes. Ideal for nipping to the shops, cycling, driving and country walking.
BUT it must be dry because they leak like river banks on the Somerset Levels.

They are branded with the 'Land Rover' brand. Frankly it doesn't sell the car as far as I'm concerned. For if I got the equivalent amount of water from when I step into a puddle as the Land Rover would get going through a ford we would be up to our ankles in it.

But they are comfortable and homely.








THE YER BUT SUMMER OUTDOOR TRAINERS

'Last years' model.

The same as the above but just a tad more weary.

One part of me says chuck em out whilst the other side says yer, but they are serviceable and are still ok as spares.

Good for wearing down the rec if I go and kick a ball around, which I don't...

But if I did, these would be my 'go to' boys for sure.

They are also lined up to be my next...........

THE DECORATING TRAINERS

The final stage, when trainers have served their days but are near enough still in one piece or two at least.
Covered in paint and wall paper paste it is a wonder that I can still tie the laces.

Everyone has a knackered old pair of shoes to decorate in don't they?







THE SHOES

Just shoes really, weddings, funerals, anniversaries, bar mitzvahs, cavorting and visits to the Accountant.

Also good for Court attendances....

I would imagine.

THE KNACKERED OLD MOULDY SHOES

I really ought to chuck these away.

Nasty.

















THE SANDALS

Another enigma to me in the same vein as the Slippers.
Being one step better than flip flops which strike me as really slovenly and the chewing gum of the shoe world.

The Sandals have little going for them, along with crocks they look stupid if you wear socks with them whilst wearing shorts. Yet they are uncomfortable on the feet if you don't wear socks as they do not have the same foot molding properties of other shoes. You can always spot the English man on holiday, he's the one in sandals with the shorts and knee length socks pulled fully up. Or if you don't wear socks with them you end up with really odd sun burn patterns on your feet. In the case of Crocs you look like you have had your feet in a waffle maker. Still Sandals do get you safely across a shingle beach without wincing too much and that is the only reason I own them.



THE WALKING BOOTS / WINTER OUTDOOR SHOES

Main uses are for everyday outdoor stuff like shopping in the winter time.

Also they are my walking boots all year round.

I don't do a massive amount of walking ordinarily but these guys are going to be busy this year as Alison  and I have decided to go backpacking around Scotland.

Well we married young and never got it out of our system then so we are going to hop on some trains and ferries and see where we get. Don't think that we are going to be staying in lovely posh hotels, no, for at least two nights we are sleeping in a Yurt on the remote isle of Eigg.
Remember the 50's are the new 20's!




THE ALLOTMENT / GARDEN BOOTS

Waterproof, fur lined and a quick & easy degree of onable and offable.

The Allotment boots are my latest acquisition.

Very cosy indeed.









THE GARDEN / ALLOTMENT BOOTS

 Yet another example of foot ware recycling.

20 years ago these were my Walking boots and now they are not.

Whilst still very comfortable and totally molded to my odd shaped feet they have sadly lost all tread on the soles.

If they were up for the MOT they would fail as the tread is as smooth as a formula one car's slick dry weather tyres.
But they serve quite adequately in either the garden or the allotment especially as the mud doesn't get stuck in any tread.




THE WELLINGTON BOOTS

Wellies they are wonderful, oh wellies they are swell,
Cause they keep out the water, and they keep in the smell,

 Billy Connolly

Why do wellingtons always flop over just when you are hopping around on one foot struggling to balance whilst your foot cramps as you try to point the toes into the ever folding welly top.

Someone needs to invent a huge Welly horn to aid in placement.

Again I do not like wellies, for when you have finally managed to get your foot in side they slap against your leg with every step.

The nastiest feeling comes when you are out camping in a dew ridden field and you wake up in the morning in a desperate need for a wiz. You have no time to dilly dally and so you stuff your bare foot into the cold wellington and run off to the loo block. Ever so quickly your foot builds a suction rapport with the boot and an embarrassing farty noise announces every step that you take. Other campers walking towards the toilet block quickly about turn deciding that discretion is the better part of valour!. 

I only keep them for my visits to Somerset, or Walton-in-The-Thames.



THE SPECIAL OCCASIONS SHOES

Well a guy wants to look good on the dance floor too don't you know!












So there you have it Claire, your fathers totally logical shoe for every occasion breakdown.

Now try telling me that I'm weird!

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