It would be true to say that these eloquent missiles of Mass Communication certainly played a part in my decision to leave the Super-marketing world. In my time I think I have had the F word thrown at me in just about every context that possibly exists. Starting from the low base of how I should go some where to reinforcing the said promise that I would indeed be kneecapped on the way home that night.... "I have friends in the IRA" The shoplifter shouted in his strong Irish accent.
Sometimes it is an honest, if somewhat derogatory, slur on my good name said from the heart with real passion. Having seen a male come into a store I felt obliged to watch him. He was smart enough on first glance but had on crappy trainers with no socks. Oh and it was only my personal opinion, I know, but his hair could have benefited from a week long dunk in the sheep dip pen.
What I have done there is called profiling and is often what the police are criticised for because he may well be an innocent guy going about his everyday business. True he may have been, but sadly the majority of the people that I 'profiled' in my time went on to either commit a crime or attempt to.
This guy was no different and my gut feeling that there was something, just something not quite right about his demeanor was to be proved true.
He went straight to the nappy section picked up a pack of our own label nappies then walked right around the outskirts of the store and just as I thought he was about to run off with them he walked along the checkouts and up to the Customer Service desk. Thus giving the impression to the customer service member of staff that he had just walked in with the nappies. He then proceeded to explain, ever so politely, to customer services that he had bought them a few days ago and that they had a problem with the sticky fasteners, could he have a refund please. He had slightly opened the pack on his tour of the store.
Obviously at this point I felt it was time to step in and after a frank discussion in which he made it quite clear that I was a fornicating liar and continued to slur not only my good name, but my Mothers (sorry Mummsie) my Fathers and indeed my fathers, father (again sorry Dad). This big fuss just gave my colleagues time to come and assist and all credit to the police they did him for attempted fraud.
This ripe language was not saved as a special treat exclusively for the management, no far from it. Some of the things and 'helpful' suggestions that have come out of some peoples mouths towards the checkout staff would shock a fisherman's wife!
Often they think they are being witty and like to share their Oscar Wilde wit with a volume that could drown out 40,000 Sunderland fans when they have just beaten Man. Utd. I know, I know, it'll never be able to be proved.
I swear that every single person that told one of my staff exactly where they could stick the bottle of white lightening, after a sale was refused, thought that they were the first to be so 'clever'.
I think Oscar had a quip that summed them up....
"Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go!"
So back to the guy that I started with who was complaining more for the attention that he received from the audience of other shoppers whom he thought would be interested but of course he was wrong and they weren't in the least interested.
"Oy YOU, Mr Manager why don't do something about it!" The problem that had commissioned this crusade was that a 3~4 year old child was sitting in the Supermarket trolley. Obviously this is unhygienic and clearly something we ask parents not to do for two really good reason. Firstly it is just gross, I can remember watching a lady being served some meat from the butchers counter whilst her child sat quietly in the trolley. Neither of them aware that her blessed little angel was producing a delicate little waterfall of child wee, all over her shopping and then cascading to the floor.
Secondly as soon as they stand up they make the trolley highly unstable, you'd be no safer if you were trying to swap seats midstream with a fat man in a canoe. I have seen several trolleys go over and the resulting head injuries are quite unpleasant. So this guy was preaching to the converted on this one.
"I quite agree sir", I quickly disarmed him.
"Well wot you gonna do about it then? why don't you stop them coming in?" he asked.
"We're always happy to hear suggestions on how best to do this, what would you suggest?"
"Well you should 'ave someone on the front door stoppin' them".
"When?" I challenged him.
"All the bloody time" he kindly clarified.
"So to stop the problem you suggest that we employ staff to stand at the door waiting all the opening hours to tell the odd person that turns up to remove their child before entering the store."
"Yep" he agreed.
"So we would employ two full time members of staff and one part-time to cover their holidays so that every opening hour of the day would be covered in case we missed an offender. Total cost to be added to every ones shopping bill approximately £30,000 a year."
To give him credit he thought about this for quite some seconds and came to the conclusion that this would possibly be using a sledge hammer to crack a nutshell.
"Well you should have bloody signs up on every trolley and at the front door."
"Sadly people never seem to read signs" I proposed.
He was not too impressed at this and having invoked some more of his fruitier language he made it quite clear to me that if we had signs on the trollies and at the door this would be a simple way to cure the problem.
Bless him..... "But sir, there is a sign on the trolley that you have got in your hands right now and you have obviously not read the sign at the front doors either, as I said people just don't read signs."
He grumbled under his breath that he hasn't got time for this and as he disappeared up the greengrocery aisle he just shouted back "It ought not be allowed, you should do something about it...."
I thought a small remote control battery on every trolley could send a short sharp shock to the child and perhaps any other customer of my choice, but figured I'd never get it past health and safety.
All this is really just to ease you into today's topic......
Norfolk Signs.
Norfolk has an abundance of home made signs many of which make me smirk. These are just a few.....
Listen, I know it is childish school boy humour but I can't help saying to the kids that I'm going to go to the Cock and Pull it.
It is always nice to see that some one has made time to warn people about animals crossing the road and I think this one says it with a smile.
There is a politeness about this one. It is in a 30 mile an hour zone but they clearly thought that the more personal approach would be helpful.
The next sign takes this a step further and whilst it is a formal road sign it is done in that most delightful of Norfolk vernacular. To me the sign sums up in one simple concise phrase the whole of the Norfolk way of life......
The next sign is a bit of an enigma to me as I'm really not too sure what it is trying to tell us...
The question being is it the Truck Stop that is cheap and clean or indeed is it the Tea that is cheap and clean? Did they used to sell dirty tea and felt obliged to put a sign up to show how well they have moved on, somewhat like the 'Under new Management' signs.
Most of these roadside signs stay in position all the time and sadly on this occasion there was no tea either of the clean or the dirty varieties and even the Truck Stop had vanished too, perhaps it was their tea break.
However, my favourite of all the Norfolk signs was on a chip shop near Salthouse and simply read;-
FISH
AND
CHIPS
AND
LUGBAIT
I went to take a photo of it only to find that it had been removed. However I think the flash new sign still leaves me wondering if the Lugbait is on their Fish & Chip menu especially as orders can be taken!
Perhaps sir would like a side order of Mealworms?
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