I could smell their doubt and a bit of urine too actually which I fear came from the tree.

It's not good enough, simply appalling! Over a month has passed since I bothered to put pen to paper, no.. errrr, digits to key pad and I feel I've let You down and that I've let Alison down and indeed that I've let my family down. But most of all......

I know....  I've let Myself down :(

So I am very sorry to anyone that still bothers to log on to this stuff of nonsense for failing you in your expectations, I guess I'm just another lowlife, the chewing gum on the sole of your tedious life.

Anyhooo, I'm back now and raring to go.

So what's been happening in the very merry month of...   March then?

To cut to the quick and to summarise, for all our sakes,I've been renovating in the house and cottage, digging and attending to the allotment, waiting on lots of guests (our busiest start to the year so far) and preparing the garden for our summer visitors.

One of the last tasks in the garden was to cut back the blackberry growth which I really wanted to do ages ago. This was stopped by the unseasonably early nesting of a blackbird amongst the thorny foliage. I also have some shredding to finish but do not wish to disturb the chaffinches nesting in the twisted willow, meanwhile it looks like the Blue Tits may well be squatting in the Sparrow's nest box and there are Collard Doves nesting in the Bay tree.
AND NOT ONE OF THEM A PAYING GUEST!


However to get you up to date with our current going ons we have just had the front door to the cottage and the front door to the main house replaced by our friendly builder.
The door to the cottage was due a major paint job and frankly I didn't think that it could withstand the preparatory sandpapering without just falling apart. The main house's front door however was far more of a concern as whoever fitted it (and we suspect it was probably Percy the retired Vicar that used to live here) fitted it back to front. The main consequence of this has been for rain water to seep in under every one of the nine panes of glass.
It about sums up The Old Bakery everything has been done but not quite by the normal traditionally accepted method, just like the two way stair light in the cottage which had been rigged up by using a stretch of old speaker wire. I feel we shall be discovering such issues for many years to come.




Probably the only really, well slightly interesting thing to report is that I have been creating a Stumpery surrounded by a fedge in which I have had to practice the ancient skills of willowolgy.
You think I'm talking double dutch don't you. Talking of Double Dutch we have some people from Holland booked to stay in our cottage soon and some booked for the B&B (not the first) at exactly the same time. We are so International! We have even got a returning guest from Canada next month, how cool is that?

Back to the fedge and my little stumpery. Firstly with regards to the Stumpery you may well know what I am talking about. All the local National Trust properties are installing them and even Prince Charles has one, so if it's good enough for Charlie boy then......

For those that are clueless, which is the state of mind that I generally live in, a Stumpery is a collection of old tree roots and tree stumps which have been turned upside down and positioned in a pleasing layout in a shady wooded area of the garden. They provide a great place for bugs to live and ferns and mosses to thrive whilst providing an interesting sculpturelike look with their twisting knarled arms stretching out.
Mark my words, you won't be anyone unless you have a Stumpery in your garden. It will be what the Pampass grass was in the seventies, the rockery was in the eighties, the Summerhouse in the nineties and the dismantled old banger in the naughties. Put simpy every garden WILL have one.

Where then does one obtain unwanted tree stumps you may well ask. Well at this moment in time I have to admit that my Stumpery is really just a 'Stump' as I only possess a singular stump because they are harder to obtain than I first thought.
There is a nursery nearby that actually sells tree stumps but I'm too tight to spend the money on them and they are absolutely massive.

 My Stump, that's the one and only stump I acquired by salvaging it from a lay-by where someone clearly NOT 'in the know' had fly tipped it.
Collecting it was a bit of a hoo-harr because I was by myself and it was just outside the weight and bulk that I could lift on my own.
I tried to lift it, shove it, pull it and swear at it but none of the above worked. The lay-by was on a very busy 'A' road and as I struggled with this beast of a fir tree root I increasingly became aware just how much it must appear to passing drivers that I was probably trying to 'fly tip' it myself.
The more I thought about this the more haste I applied and the more furtive I appeared.
Finally I hooked one root over the edge of the car's rather weak and fragile plastic bumper and gave one almighty UMMMPPFFFFFF tossing it caber like into the back of the car. I looked around for a passing car to be able to justify myself to and so that I could prove that I wasn't dumping it but there were none around to accept my vindication request. So I slammed the car door shut and putting the pedal to the metal, I legged it!


Of course when I got home I had no chance of getting it out of the car let alone in prime position in my 'Stump' area. (Dreaming of the day that it will make 'Stumpery' status by gaining a second).
However I had two builders on sight installing my new doors and I roped them in to help me install my stump. We lifted it together and struggled across the patio, over the lawn, through my new trellis arch and into my 'Stump', where we dropped it unceremoniously.

The three of us stood back and looked at this muddy thing. I could smell their doubt and a bit of urine too actually which I fear came from the tree. In hindsight I think it might have been used for 'target' practice in the lay-by!

We stood in a row, shoulder to shoulder looking down at this sad and broken thing.....

"Of course", I explained, "it will need a bit of a clean up."
 
Silence.

"And all those broken bits will have to be tidied up."

More silence.

"Oh and clearly I'll reposition it a tad so it........"

I ran out of explanations at this point as I could see by the look on their faces I was definitely NOT preaching to the converted.

We all seemed to accept this and I courteously thanked them for their assistance and we all went our different ways in a slightly awkward silent kind of way.


Now I have plans to turn my 'Stump' into a full blown 'Stumpery' because I have offered my services to a couple that have just moved in to a house a few doors down. I noticed there was some tree felling going on and despite also not having heard of a Stumpery they are willing to put up with a madman if it means he will dig up some unwanted roots for them.

I will keep you posted.

Well there you have it the story of my first stump. Next time I will tell you all about my fedge and the weavers, binders and the all important Uprights......

My Stump.

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